True or False

I spend all of my time stoned.

special brownies_Merry

False.

Quite honestly, I rarely smoke marijuana during the daytime. It tends to make me more sleepy and trust me, I don’t need any assistance with that.

No, I am more of an evening smoker. I like to watch silly TV and vegetate on the couch.

I once slipped on some black ice in front of a McDonald’s and gave myself an ouchie.

True.

No, I wasn’t drunk, just full of french fries.

My friends thought it was hilarious, but damn did that hurt. I lack ass fat, it’s a family affliction.

I have always been a funny gal.

False.

I wasn’t humorous as a small child, at least not at school. I was very shy and had a hard time making friends, because they thought I was a weirdo.

They were right, actually.

I used to pick my nose and eat my boogers.

True.

What can I say, we were poor.

I miss my old job.

False.

As much as I hate being unwell and unable to work, I do not miss having to wake up at the crack ass of dawn and driving 45 minutes (in good weather) just to spend my day with a bunch of asshats.

I never learned how to roller skate.

roller

True.

I could never get the fear of falling out of my mind long enough to learn this basic childhood skill. I admire anyone who can do it. It just ain’t right, having wheels for feet.

I can ride a bike, though. Well, probably not a good idea nowadays, but I’m sure I could if I needed to, say to get away from zombies or something dire like that.

I hope zombies enjoy the taste of McDonald’s.

Ye shall not enter

Operation mold-be-gone is in full swing.

et

The kid said that it looks like the film set for ET.

You really have to keep your sense of humor about these sorts of things.

I got enough nerve to peek behind the plastic barrier yesterday, but I didn’t have the lady balls to take a picture. Walls are ripped out and it’s just absolute chaos in there, man. They ran into a broken pipe in the wall of our neighbor, so things have hit a snag. They have to wait until everything is dry before they can spray chemicals and then finally seal it up. Plus, they still haven’t been able to remove the water tank to get behind it. Lots of funky stuff back there, I guess.

We still have access to the kitchen as you can see, they left a flap open for us at the kitchen doorway. I only go in there when absolutely necessary, because as a doomsday naysayer reminded me on FB, (friend of the family) black mold is bad.

Google it!

No, I don’t need to. The last time I checked, I wasn’t a complete moron. Thanks for the heads up, though.

We have an enormous air scrubber in there, loud as hell. I picture it sucking up black mold spores and then spitting back out clean, fresh air.

There are a couple of pluses to this whole disaster. No more of that awful pink and teal wallpaper in my powder room. (Hell, I’ve been calling it the half bath for 5 years now. Let me be fancy.) Also, we are supposed to be getting new carpet for the living room because the poop water leaked into part of it. We cut it out and replaced it with a piece of carpet remnant that we had in the garage.

carpet

Behold my two-tone carpet in all it’s glory.

The dogs have been a real pain, especially yesterday when Maya got out when the drywall guy knocked at the door. There we were, myself in my jammies and slippers, chasing her around the front yard. At least the dude was cool about it and then apologized profusely. I just asked him to always come in through the patio door from now on.

mayasorry

Okay, you’re forgiven.

I was a puffer fish once

My daughter started playing the clarinet in the fifth grade and she’s actually very good at it. It looks complicated and like it takes an enormous amount of brain power. These are things that I now try to avoid like a plague of frogs, fake chocolate truffles and turkey bacon.

When I was maybe in the fourth grade, my parochial school decided it would be cool if they offered us kids music lessons. For some asinine reason, I wanted to learn how to play the flute. It was shiny, sleek and I wanted it. So, I begged and pleaded until my parents finally decided to rent me a flute, with money that we did not have.

Because I was a brat.

foul mouthed_Merry

That’s not me, by the way. It’s my cousin.

This might be a great time to mention that I am not musically inclined one iota. My rendition of “Walking after midnight” is atrocious. This means that I am tone-deaf, I guess. I couldn’t even hack it when we did our little programs back then.

I was always the snowflake that couldn’t sing.

Did you know that you have to purse your lips a certain way in order to blow the air just right into the flute? Well, I didn’t. I couldn’t even whistle.

My teacher was this old stinky man who wore a brown suit. He didn’t like how I was holding my mouth ( I am guessing that I looked like a puffer fish.)

Then he did something that even to this day gives me the heebies. (I wasn’t old enough for jeebies yet.)

He actually reached over with his hand and manually adjusted my lips into proper fluting position.

“No, no!! Like this! This!”

The memory of how I reacted is foggy now, because I am old. What I do know was that it was not a pleasant experience. That was it for me. That night, I told my parents what that creeptacular man had done to me and swore I would never go back. He had violated my mouth with his possibly grubby hand.

A helpful hint, sing a 30 second ditty like “Old Susanna.” Remember, cleanliness is next to godliness.

I was known for never following through with things when I was a kid. Like the time I really wanted to get healthy and lose my kiddie pudge in the fourth grade. I wanted a “Get in shape girl!”

Where the hell are their eyes?

Yes, that didn’t happen. I think I used the barbel as a microphone.

When my daughter plays her clarinet in her room, I enjoy listening to it. Right now is Christmas music, every night. I’m looking forward to going to her concert, fibro willing. I make sure to get a good seat so that I can watch her while she plays something that has always eluded me. It makes me feel a happy tingle to know that my kid is smart and talented enough to pull it off and pull it off well.

I also gave up on roller skating, gym class and my leg warmers, though they might be making a comeback shortly.