I have to be honest. I am pissed off. Deep inside, I am frothing at the mouth. This pain I have been feeling, is grinding me down. I am so tired of my sore, twitchy muscles. I have had enough of not being able to walk without wanting to cry. Sad that I have to nap almost everyday. I miss my life, the one I had before.
I hate the feeling that I can’t do anything useful. The most simplest tasks are so daunting. Do you know that I used to clean houses just a year ago, to make some money? I was always sore, but nothing like this. I just want to sleep tonight without being woken up from the steady waves of pain from my hip, leg, and most other parts of my body.
I will go to the ER if necessary. I am actually scared sometimes. What is happening to me? What is wrong? I try so hard to be positive, but there are some days that take all that I have inside just to get through.
These are the kind of waves I want. Warm sun shining on me, toasting my bones.
Listen up.
I had exactly this 12 years now.
And it did this to me. 12 Years on, I get the odd day.
I know how you feel, it is anger mixed with depression mixed with anguish with a hint of sheer unhappiness (Well that is what I used to get)
Not these emotions per say, just an emotion where I think all them are in it.
You learn to live with ANYTHING. Trust me.
I am in pain 24/7 and I just have to go on.
Stupid thought have entered my mind.
One is leaving my partner as I thought I wasn’t good enough.
Hang in there, keep trying to smile.
And I am sure you will be fine.
I hope you are ok with what I said there.
I can only share how I feel. Your feelings seem similar.
Many here are here to talk to.
Shaun
I am fine with it..thank you Shaun. Sometimes I just need to vent.
Oh Merbear, I am so sad to hear this… to live in chronic pain like that must be so frustrating… but I have to say forever that you are able to do something useful, you touch people everyday, give them something to look forward too, make them smile & laugh… I think that is a huge something
*big hugs & warm loves for you*
I really needed this comment, you have no idea how much it means to me.
{Hugs}
*however not forever… oops…
lol
I’m sorry I don’t know what to say each time I start to write something I delete it
But I do understand your frustration, I became ill a few years ago and it changed my life and the things I was able to do , many things I can’t do anymore and things I had wanted to do I’ll never do. I still get angry,sad,frustrated and scared and more. I wish there was something they could do for your pain. It will get better I promise, tomorrow is a new day 
Hang in there your a tough nut remember…:D
I am a tough nut, and so are you!! Tough nuts are hard to crack. Today is here and I am still fighting.
Merby like all your followers I feel for what you are going through. There is nothing that I can do to relieve what you suffer, if we could wish on that star to help you – I would wish that tonight. In place, I am sending you warm waves and golden beach thoughts from way across here in Australia stay strong lovely xxxx
Aw..<—Tears in eyes cause Rambly is such a sweetheart!!!
Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way…..I hope better, painless days are ahead.
Thank you much. Need to vent sometimes. I am hoping that spring will bring a reprieve.
Hoping you are able to find a few precious pain free moments or breaths. I feel your pain as I spent the day on the couch.
Yep. I hope YOU find some pain free moments too. xx
Oh honey bunny. Xxx
I’m ok..xxx
I’m sure it has to be very draining. I sure hope you can find some peaceful moments and get some rest.
I slept well last night. Thank you. {hugs}
Oh honey, don’t waste what little energy you have left at the ER. There is nothing there for you. I am so sorry you are suffering.
I know, they can’t do anything.
Thank you..I will be ok. just needed to get it out a bit.
*hugs*
{hugs}
I don’t know what to say. It all seems pointless and mundane, nothing I say will help you. But I want to thank you for your beautiful blog, for sharing so much personal stuff, and funny stuff. You are a wonderful writer and your personality shines through your words.
I only wish this gets sorted in the best possible way for you.
xx
Thank you thank you for this comment!! xxxx
I’m sorry MerBear, I don’t understand the pain you’re going through, but I know that it is terrible for you. I just hope that this gets better because you’re too wonderful of a person to have this happen to. *hugs*
Funny thing, after I hit publish, I felt a bit better. Thank you sweetie. {hugs}
Stay strong. You know we’ll always be here for you if you just need to let it all out
*hugs*
Thank you..I do it frequently.lol {hugs}
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Thank you for the courage to share this. Being in this place is like a train in a tunnel. Ther is only one way to go and even if you had options, all you can see is the path ahead. Tired is all you feel. I often felt angry when I was there. I will not pretend to know what you are going through but I do hear the desperation and fear. I just wanted you to know that people are here who care. Time is the only key. Trust helps immensely but if you did not go in with trust, it is damn hard to find it once you enter the tunnel. You are loved. You will get through.
I know, and it helps me tremendously. I do feel desperate and have fears, like we all do. I am not used to taking care of me, and being kind to myself. Like you said..time is the key.
Love is all you need.
It always seems to help some when I get it out. Who knew a blog could be such good therapy? xx
I want to echo Myspokenheart. You may feel like you can’t do anything useful, but you do something powerful for us every time you post. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo
Kozo,
Thanks to all of you for these comments, which make me feel so..useful. {hugs} Merbear
I take fourthsies…myspokenheart, reikiheidi, and kozo, and finally me…you DO do something Useful. Here. This. I get that this doesn’t fit into the standard category of useful. You aren’t working. Cleaning is a pain in the ass…literally. Walking, picking up dog poo, driving, they all are our standard useful things, but this blog, this here honesty, the humor, the farts in the wind, the rainbow pooping unicorn, a day in the life of a depressed person, are all useful things. The satisfaction isn’t tangible, but yet, like AT&T, you reach out and touch someone every day.
I have no words that can really say how much these words mean to me..from the bunch of you..just…thank you..
My wish for you is that soon you will feel the sand between your toes, the coolness of the waves, and always the warmth of the sun.
Beautiful wish. Thank you.
What everyone else said, since they can all say it better than I can. Skwirl hugz!
Ah, nice and furry..kind of smells like acorns…