Knocked Over By A Feather


Tianeptine and Chronic Pain

A few months ago during my travels on the internet, I stumbled across the world of nootropic supplements. You see, I am always researching alternative treatments for fibromyalgia, because the “approved” prescription medications that I have tried just doesn’t do the trick.

One of them actually caused me to be unable to urinate! That is unacceptable, for peeing is an important bodily function.

I receive small supplies of pain medications due to the current hysteria over opiate addiction, which really frosts my flakes, because I don’t use them to get high, I take them to get some relief from the constant pain.

Rick is one badass mo fo.

But, I do have a decent amount of muscle relaxers. That’s about all she wrote, though.

I spent almost two days reading up on a nootropic called Tianeptine, which is primarily used as a tricyclic antidepressant. But what peaked my interest was that during a clinical trial in Spain conducted in January of 2007, it showed promise in treating pain due to fibromyalgia. In higher doses, it effects the opioid receptors in the brain. It is also a mood booster and anxiety reducer.

I had to try it.

And you know something? It actually helps. Holy shitballs.

It is legal to purchase without a prescription here in the states. It comes in two forms, sodium powder and sulfate pills. I have tried both. The powder tastes like bitter burning, so I much prefer the pills.

On lower pain days, I go for the Tianeptine instead of a Hydrocodone. I stay within the limits, no more than 300 mg in a day. It is rather inexpensive. I am thankful that I found it, as it proves to be a nice addition to my arsenal of weapons against fibromyalgia and depression.

I also tried something called Phenibut.

Yes, I know. Butt, bwahaha.

It is supposed to help you to focus and feel calm, but at the recommended dosage of 1000 mg, I didn’t really feel much of anything. Not worth the money to me. For the time being, I will stick with the Tianeptine.

Like Living in a Horror Movie

It’s going on a year now since I was in the psych hospital for the first time. A short time after that, I went in again because of a half-assed suicide attempt that sent my family into a state of shock, disgust and an intense fear that I was beyond help. 

Except for my mother, who was by my side for the duration. 

It was like living in a horror movie, especially after they put me on Brintellix. I was afraid to even exist. I was in a constant state of extreme panic and all I wanted to do was die.

Imagine that for a moment. All you can think about is wanting to kill yourself. Every minute of the day. Even while you’re asleep, your dreams are haunted. There was no escaping it. 

I told my therapist about all of this yesterday. (I really love this lady, she is the best. I actually look forward to seeing her every week.)


The fear of that happening again weighs heavily on my mind and she told me that it was actually a good thing for me to remember.

“When I think about wanting to die now, I find that I don’t want to.”

“That must have been just awful for you.”

“It was. It scared the shit out of me. It still does.”

I did learn a few things last year, namely not to blindly trust the doctors. If a medication makes me worse instead of better, I will not allow them to raise the dosage. I am getting off of the stuff immediately.

I also learned that being in a psych hospital, although unpleasant and as boring as watching paint dry, does not mean that I am a lost cause.

Life is no cake walk and I still have bad days. I continue to have anxiety and depression, on a lower scale. But, I am stronger now because of what happened to me last year.

Zipping Around

My friend Cheryl decided yesterday, with the logic that this might be his last tour, to see Ringo Starr in Cincinnati on June 22. She asked me if I wanted to go, to which I replied, “Does a bear shit in the woods?”

They do, by the way.

I couldn’t afford to buy the ticket myself, but as per usual, she is just that awesome and fab. Looks like I will be getting a second chance to see Ringo, plus seeing both Beatles this summer, with Sir Paul in August right here in Cleveland.


I am really excited! I use my energy for important things like this.Totally worth the recuperating time afterwards.

But road trips are rough on me. I used to love them, but nowadays sitting in a car for hours at a time sucks the fucking life force out of me. Just another thing that I am slowly coming to terms with about my illness, traveling is not a joy anymore.

I am thinking about getting a mobility scooter, aka a zippy cart. Well, I’m going to look into how much they cost, anyways. I am not sure if Medicare would pay for one, I doubt it. (Medicare kind of sucks.) But it sure would make my life more pleasant.

Beep beep, get outta my way asshat!

You don’t realize how much you miss walking easily until you can’t anymore.

If I had one, I could go to the Cleveland Zoo or to the flea market on the weekends. Both of those outings are a no can do now. Besides the pain in my legs, the weakness would eventually make me fall down and go boom.

I don’t mean to complain. (Yes I do.)

Hey, a little whining never hurt anybody.

Keep that in mind, my friends.

“It’s my party and I can whine if I want to.”

You would whine too if it happened to you. Unless you are a saint or something, in which case I say pfft.

I really wanted to do a Fuck It Friday post, but it just didn’t work out. Anyways, I hope you have a fab weekend.

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