Always catch me when I fall

The truth is, people will let you down. They will drop the ball, not be there when you call. They are busy and preoccupied with their own lives, problems, issues and tragedies. Even those closest to you will leave you hanging sometimes. My own husband has even bowed out a few times over the course of the last few months. This is a cause for some mistrust on my part, but I am working on trying to understand that he is only human. Loving someone with a mental illness is not an easy thing to do, no sir.

The only person in my life who has always caught me when I fall is my mother. I just called her to thank her for that. She has yet to let me down, not once. Even at my worst, my most irrational, deplorable, miserable…she is there. She loves me unconditionally, even when I am hateful and can’t be reasoned with.

She said it has been her privilege to be my mother. Even though I have put her through virtual hell, made her sick with worry, caused her many sleepless nights. Her answer is beautifully simple.

I’m your mother. And I will always be there, even when I’m not.

On this beautiful sunny day, I am full of gratitude that God gave me her.

On Being Poor

It was a scorcher yesterday, with a heat index of 95 degrees. Our central air broke last summer and we can’t afford to fix it. We had all of the fans on high. Then we decided to go swimming at the pool. There were tons of kids, but I just ignored them and floated along on my noodle.

After awhile, we had a nice summer thunderstorm that cooled things off a bit. I slept naked in front of my fan. (Please, for your safety, try not to visualize that.)

Due to certain circumstances the last few years, I am really poor.

Why yes…yes I do.

I am not alone. There are currently 46.5 million Americans that live below the poverty line.

My goodness, that is a lot of poor ass people in a supposed land of plenty.

If you happen to be poor, you live by the seat of your pants. You try your hardest to pay your bills and keep everything from being shut off or taken away from you. You pray with all of your might that nothing shitacular happens, like a car breaking down or your pipes bursting while you are accumulating your beauty rest.

You eat really crappy, cheap food. Ramen noodles anyone? I can make mac and cheese like a pro. No clumps of cheese powder either. That stuff is as smooth as a babies ass.

You learn to go without. I buy nothing unless it is on sale. I wait until I am on my last sheet of toilet paper before I buy more. Yes, I have been known to drip dry on more than one occasion. You just do a little shake-shake. It’s actually fun.

One of my biggest fears is being homeless. I have actually researched how to survive out on the streets. Talk about adventure! I hope that maybe someone would let me live in their attic. I wouldn’t make any noise and I could pee in a coffee can.

I know, it really isn’t funny. It is actually a scary way to live. Many people place the blame entirely on being lazy or unmotivated, but unless you are poor, you don’t understand just how difficult it is to turn things around.

I’d say much of my depression stems from my financial worries. I seem to be in a state of constant fear that something is going to happen, a whammie as I like to call it. I’ve been hit with some major ones as of late and I really hope that I get a breather soon.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy some toilet paper. On sale, of course. One ply.

I am broken

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I am a broken disaster

With shards of fractured light

From deep within, I’m golden

Yet the darkness blurs its sight

I watch the clouds gather round me

Fearful they may surge and storm

I seek inside myself shelter

A cocoon of solace, peaceful and warm

I am a broken record

With a sad song on constant repeat

A deep groove in the vinyl

Worn down by the unbearable heat

I am a broken girl

Who awakens each day with fierce hope

Who shakes her fist at the demons

Who would love to hang me by their rope