The Imposter

” Well hopefully u do find out what is hidden deep down inside of you & u face the demons & send them packing & u can deal with what ever you have to face to carry on & be the funny happy Merbear that we all love not an imposter.”

This was a message sent to me on Facebook a few months ago. My ex coworker/friend. At the time, it really didn’t seem out of the ordinary. But yesterday I was going through the chat history and this stopped me in my tracks.

You have to realize that this is from the original Perpetual Perky Person.

Ain’t nothin gonna breaka her stride.

The thing that irks me about this message isn’t the “betcha by golly wow” attitude though. It’s the fucking fact that she called me an imposter.  “Oh where oh where has my Merbear gone, or where oh where can she be?”

I’m right here, bitch.

That comment makes me feel really bad, seriously. Was I only valuable when I was “normal”, not plagued by demons? Has my usefulness as a human being been compromised because I was am depressed? That’s something that will never fully go away. I’m a lifer. There is no cure.  There is no such thing as just “carrying on.” I take my pills, see my therapist, write on my blog, and hope for the best.

I am not an imposter. I am myself, redefined. I am still funny. I can still experience happiness. I can understand now why I stopped communicating with this person. A friend accepts you for who you are. Not who they think you used to be.

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25 thoughts on “The Imposter

  1. Maurice A. Barry January 23, 2013 / 8:06 am

    That’s two you’ve written now that deal with the issue on happiness. Don’t supposed you’d be interested in reading this–my opinion on the subject. I have a feeling we have some common ground.


  2. howanxious January 23, 2013 / 8:19 am

    If you are an impostor, then I don’t know what I am… It is better to laugh out loud at such messages and ignore them.


    • merbear74 January 23, 2013 / 9:04 am

      I try. I am just way to easily hurt.


  3. Melanie January 23, 2013 / 8:34 am

    PPP says, “the glass is half full.”
    I say, “Good, there’s still some left to pour on your head.”


    • merbear74 January 23, 2013 / 9:06 am

      Hard to fight that urge sometimes. I could hear her chirpy voice through the message, and just got so mad!


      • Melanie January 23, 2013 / 9:33 am

        It makes you want to stick a canary in their throat. At least then they might make sense.


      • merbear74 January 23, 2013 / 9:34 am

        We are so mean. lol


      • Melanie January 23, 2013 / 9:41 am

        I like to think of it as higher intelligence, being that we are more intuned to our sarcastic side.


      • merbear74 January 23, 2013 / 9:42 am

        I have a Masters degree in Sarcastic Quips.


      • Melanie January 23, 2013 / 9:46 am

        And, I think, you most likely graduated with honors.


  4. ruleofstupid January 23, 2013 / 8:42 am

    Hi Merby,
    I’ve written songs for years. One of the things I notice is that they change meaning over time. I may have sat down and written a song about how sad my break-up was, but years later I see how it is more about my own childhood, my job, or even that it speaks to me now about something totally different.
    Words don’t hold much meaning of their own: what we read is much more about our own perceptions and moods than anything actually in the words.
    I know little about PPP and you, so I offer observations not ‘truth’, things to challenge not contradict.
    You wish to be allowed to be yourself, but do not seem to be able to accept PPP as herself. Why is this?
    Maybe by ‘imposter’ what PPP meant was that she hoped you would be genuinely content and not forced to put on an act for the sake of others?The rest of the message seems quite well-intentioned.
    Maybe PPP is so insistently happy because she is acting – because there is something so painful in her that she cannot face, so lives a pretence instead. Imposter? Maybe she see’s it because she lives it? If so she needs sympathy and support too.
    Personally I know I act in certain ways in certain situations – at home is one of the few places I can be fully myself, because the world demands certain behaviours. You can’t go to work and cry at your desk – you’ll get sent home or fired. We are all imposters sometimes.
    The strength of your anger is such that it seems it must come not from PPP but from your own struggle – no-one can ‘make us angry’, they can only draw out the anger already there. Unresolved anger often becomes depression. In bringing some of it out PPP may even be helping, albeit inadvertently?
    Lastly, you say “there is no cure”. As long as you believe this, it will be true.
    This post made me sad, because I have followed you for some time – but in this post I sense misplaced anger and blame and a sense of resignation to your depression. Of course I may well be wrong – having only this partial view of you via your blog. Whatever the case I hope you can see my words as a friend challenging you for positive reasons.


    • merbear74 January 23, 2013 / 8:55 am

      I reread your message a few times, and I found myself nodding. Actually, I know for a fact that this women is holding some awful thing within herself, and she won’t let it out. She borders on almost insincere sometimes. Very fake. It annoys me because I am very much a pessimist. My main issue is..I miss working with them..once I left, I didn’t belong anymore. I am angry my health made me have to quit. I am angry that she doesn’t seem to understand that I am still me. Cause I am. I AM funny. I CAN still be happy. My depression has been a part of me since I can remember. It has waxed and waned, and this time it knocked me flat on the ass. (Although I do not have one.) I would never get mad at you Panda for just being honest and telling me like it is. I vent, I rant. Will I ever become one with myself? That remains to be seen. ;)


      • ruleofstupid January 23, 2013 / 12:57 pm

        Glad you feel that way Merby – Panda ((HUGS)) :)


    • Combat Babe January 23, 2013 / 9:58 am

      I like this side of you, RoS. You’re a good guy. I just wanted to say that because this is so insightful.


      • ruleofstupid January 23, 2013 / 12:58 pm

        Thanks CB, I appreciate that.


  5. Madame Weebles January 23, 2013 / 8:55 am

    PPPs apparently are unable to comprehend others unless they too are perky and cheery and nauseating. That’s what makes them so punchable.


  6. PaulaB January 23, 2013 / 9:34 am

    PPP? I have one word for them = FAKE ;-) Perpetual lala land…consolation prize is that they miss all the really great stuff bouncing through life oblivious.


    • merbear74 January 23, 2013 / 9:38 am

      It is actually sad that she appears so chipper all the time. Must take tons of energy to stay “up” all the time. That’s when it starts really being fake..wish something would bounce my way soon!


  7. Combat Babe January 23, 2013 / 9:48 am

    I don’t want to be the devil’s advocate (if that is the correct analogy), but is it possible the reason it didn’t bother you the first time around is because you understood her context better when she said it? Sometimes I think what happens is we become less in touch with that person and little things start to get us about them. So when we come across old texts or messages that could seem offensive, we believe that it was meant to be offensive when that’s not the case at all. We lost the connection or touch with them therefore losing the context of their words. I read it and it sounds more like she was rooting for you. And are we not impostors of ourselves when we’re sick with our symptoms of depression or bipolar? Or even PMS?


    • merbear74 January 23, 2013 / 10:02 am

      Point well made, CB. I took what she said when I was very depressed as just another perky message from her. Reading it now when I am not in a “deep” depression..I was hurt by it. I don’t like the feeling that I wasn’t me. Scares me the fuck out big time. I am angry cause sometimes I feel like my life got taken away from me. So you are right. I took it differently this time. It’s hard to lose your friends.


      • Combat Babe January 23, 2013 / 10:06 am

        Yeah, I have recently acquired that art of losing friends.


  8. ramblingsfromamum January 24, 2013 / 2:39 am

    I lost a friend of 10 years over my ex she took his side (too long to explain) You are becoming whole again and please don’t spend one minutes thinking about those that don’t matter in your life. Don’t waste your time or your energy – use that to concentrate on feeling better about yourself. :-) *hugs* xx


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