When I was 2 years old, I flushed the entire contents of my Easter basket down the toilet.

My parents had gotten me a wonderful basket, filled to the brim with all sorts of goodies, which included jelly beans and maybe some Peeps.

Better to play with than to eat.

My mom and dad had made a huge mistake that Easter morn. They had left me alone, unattended for a few minutes while they were basting the ham.

I wish I could tell you why. Try as I might, I cannot recall my mindset, and my mother didn’t have much info to offer on the incident, either.

“That was 38 years ago,” she had said, when I picked at her brain about what I now refer to as, “The Great Jelly Bean Fiasco of 76′.”

“Well, did I seem distraught, or was I happy? Laughing, like, hey! Look at me, I’m having fun!!” I pressed.

“I don’t know. You were shit out of luck, though. That was a nice basket that year,” she replied.

“Was anything salvageable?” I asked, hopefully.

“No, you flushed the toilet,” my mom laughed. “Like I said, you dumped all of it in. All was lost. It was complete carnage.”

I had clogged the toilet that day. Colored Easter grass and waterlogged Peeps had turned the liquid in the bowl into a lovely pastel slurry.

My chocolate bunny would never know how it felt to have its ears bitten off.


Happy Easter to everyone, and if you have a toddler…..keep an eye out.

Um, and in case you ever wondered, jelly beans do not float.