I read an article the other day about self compassion, a skill that I truly lack.
In this article, it pointed out the fact that most of us are far too hard on ourselves, which also holds true for me. I am in constant judgement of myself. I’m not good enough, smart enough, outgoing enough, ect. If I were friendlier, I would be more popular. There is always something about the way I live my life that I find fault in.
When I was finished reading, I started to think about all of the unpleasant things that I have been through during my life thus far. I made a mental list.
– I was choked out on a dirt pile by a disturbed playmate at the age of 5.
– I was teased by classmates for being overweight, socially inept, and awkward.
– I witnessed my father’s death at the age of 12.
– I was raped at age 20.
– I was in a physical, emotional, and mentally abusive relationship for 6 years.
– I was knocked over during the prime of my life by a mental breakdown, soon to be followed by the devil disease fibromyalgia. A verifiable double whammy.
I am cruel to myself. It’s true. On a daily basis, I rip myself to shreds. I loathe the fact that I have to stay home each and every day, and not be an active member of society. At the very least, I should be flipping burgers for minimum wage, not sitting on my caboose. I should be able to conquer my mental and physical obstacles, and come out triumphant. I should be stronger, healthier, more determined, and just simply better than I am.
Maybe then I wouldn’t be depressed, or in pain. I’m a loser, weak, with no real reason to be alive. These thoughts permeate through my foggy head from the moment I crawl out of bed, to when it’s finally time to go back to bed. Repeat, rerun, you suck, what’s the damn point?
When I read my list, it’s no wonder I am loony tunes. It’s amazing that I can still function at all. I should be sitting in the corner, holding myself and rocking back and forth.
Honestly though, I’ve never really taken the time to dwell on the rough life that I have lived through. Perhaps I should start forgiving myself for all of my shortcomings.
I need to learn the fine art of self compassion.