Never use dish soap in the dishwasher.

Don’t buy a condo.

Don’t try to get one more shave out of that old razor.

Don’t feed your dog Alpo unless you enjoy the smell of foulness and lethal canine gas.

Never start smoking cigarettes. (This one is for the kiddies.)

Don’t overstuff the washer or your tacos.

Don’t drink a whole bottle of Wild Irish Rose before a first date.

If you pee behind a tree, make sure that there are no branches sticking up anywhere. (This one is for the ladies.)

If you still can’t do a cartwheel, the chances are good that you never will. Accept this and move on before you break your sternum.

If the plumber says not to flush the toilet, don’t flush it. (This one is for everybody.)

Never mix a muscle relaxer and a sleeping pill together, unless you plan on sleeping for all eternity. Bwahahaha.

Don’t messΒ with someone who prepares your food.