Good gravy, is this song lame.

Beleaguered Servant was the first to respond to my call for lame songs, and boy did he pick a winner.

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I would say thank you, but my ears are still bleeding.

This song came out in 1982, when I was still too young to really man the radio myself. This is why I love the oldies so much, because I mostly listened to what my parents deemed appropriate at the time.

I had full access to Donny Osmond.

“I’ve Never Been To Me” was a one-hit wonder by a woman named Charlene, not to be confused with Cher, who is not lame.

Mostly.

I read the lyrics first, grabbed a barf bag, and then put my headphones on. Yes, I had heard it before. Long, long ago on a radio channel far, far away.

Like, miles away.

There are a few things that really make this song lame.

– Charlene cannot sing.

– She uses the word “whoring.”

– Charlene cannot sing.

Let’s check out these lyrics.

Hey lady, you lady
Cursing at your life
You’re a discontented mother
And a regimented wife
I’ve no doubt you dream about
The things you’ll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you

I’m sorry, do I know you from somewhere?

Whoooa, I’ve been to Georgia
And California and anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacher man
And we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places
And friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I’ve been to paradise
But I’ve never been to me

Was his name Billy Ray by any chance?

Please lady, please, lady
Don’t just walk away
‘Cause I have this need to tell you
Why I’m all alone today
I can see so much of me
Still living in your eyes
Won’t you share a part
Of a weary heart
that has lived million lies

No, I really should wash my hair.

Whoooa, I’ve been to Nice
And the Isle of Greece
While I’ve sipped champagne on a yacht
I’ve moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
And showed ’em what I’ve got
I’ve been undressed by kings
And I’ve seen some things
That a woman ain’t supposed to see
I’ve been to paradise
But I’ve never been to me

Um….that’s nice?

Hey, you know what paradise is
It’s a lie
A fantasy we create about people
And places as we’d like them to be
But you know what truth is
It’s that little baby you’re holding
And it’s that man you fought with this morning
The same one you’re going to make love with tonight
That’s truth, that’s love

Okay.

Sometimes I’ve been to crying
For unborn children
That might have made me complete
But I, I took the sweet life
I never knew
I’d be bitter from the sweet
I’ve spent my life exploring
The subtle whoring
That costs too much to be free
Hey lady, I’ve been to paradise
But I’ve never been to meeeeeee

Don’t call yourself a whore, Charlene. That isn’t cool.

Maybe the song itself isn’t completely lame…she seems sincere enough….but the blouse she has on is.

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