I have days when I get extremely irritated and angry. Sometimes my life feels like a bouquet of dead flowers wrapped in a brown paper bag, handed to me by inner demons that can’t just leave me alone and allow me to live the rest of my life in peace.
It comes from out of the blue, within seconds. I think that I might explode. It’s a legit case of the terrors, a shadowy monster licking at my heels. I don’t know how to control it, this disgusting emotion. Everything seems tragic and makes me believe that I would be better off dead.
I get angry because I can’t fix anything that is wrong, with me or others I care about. I cry because things seem so despairing anymore. There is always something that is amiss. Not a day goes by that something doesn’t go bad. My ability to deal with these issues? Practically non-existent. No one truly understands me. It’s just life, after all.
It’s my illness that makes me unable to handle life well. Stress breaks me into small shards of glass that cut at my fragile psyche. Chaos around me, everywhere, inside of me, trying to make me crazy. The sound of my daughter’s voice complaining, or my husband sick with the chills. The pointlessness of everything, my God sometimes things seem so damned pointless.
I try to cover it, make it go away with humor. People have told me that I am funny, so it is my saving grace from the darkness that tries to take over. It has always there in a pinch to save me from myself, but I find it harder to tap into lately. It’s always been my crutch, especially when I felt like I would burst from all of the fear. This frightening sickness deep inside of me, with seeds that have been planted since I was a young girl.
My pain is more than physical. It is emotional.
Will it ever go away? It exhausts me.
But I will continue to talk about it regardless of the perceived judgement that I might get from people. This I pledge.
“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”