I like to think that I am moderately intelligent, but there are things that do not compute in my head. Take making a cake from scratch, for example. For the life of me, I have no idea why it always ends up drier than dirt and crooked. It doesn’t really matter anyways, but it’s something that has always been a bit above my realm of comprehension.

My home economics teacher shook her head and gave me a C because she was kind.

Here are five other things that I don’t understand.

1. Football

My husband loves this game and has tried to explain it to me numerous times, to no avail.

football

I’m married, not dead.

2. Math

This has something to do with the whole baking thing, I know it. Add 2 cups of flour. Two egg whites. A quarter cup of sugar. A teaspoon of marijuana.

Ooo, I know what I’m trying later.

This sums up the whole math thing for me, a nice neatly wrapped explanation.

math

3. Wires and Electricity

If it were up to me, we wouldn’t have the TV, the internet, my record player or any speakers hooked up in my house. So many wires! Where the hell do they all go? calm

Back when I lived alone, everything was so simple. I plugged in my dial-up modem, TV and my lamps. That was it. Nowadays, my husband takes over the whole wire dilemma. I sit here and thank him profusely.

4. Stuck-up People

If you knew me in real life, you might take my silence as being stuck-up. Nope, I am just socially awkward. I am not stuck-up and never have been. Not to be gross (too late) but we all have to use the bathroom and make a stinky. Every damn one of us.

We are all human, with pitfalls and plights to conquer.

I have $200 dollars in my checking account. Maybe you have $2,000. This doesn’t mean that you are better than me.

It does mean that your toilet paper is probably 2 ply, though.

5. Animal Haters

How can someone not love a kitty cat or a puppy dog?

I get why someone wouldn’t want a pet. They are messy and require oodles of responsibility, but I actually know people who despise any sort of animal. I once worked with a guy who laughed when he found out that his girlfriend’s dog ran away. What a douche.

fluffy

How can you resist a fluffy dog butt? I know I sure couldn’t.

Trust me, there are many more things in this world that befuddle me, but I want to get started on my weed cakes.

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