Something happens when you become ill that no one likes to discuss. Perhaps it doesn’t happen to everyone, in fact I am sure of that. But for me, it did.
When you become sick, people stay away from you.
I used to have a few friends. Not many, I have never been popular. But I had people who I saw now and then. People who I considered there for the duration, no matter what happened. As my ability to make plans and go out with ease decreased, so did their presence in my life. The phone calls stopped. The chats on Facebook came to an end. The lunches and dinner plans ceased to exist. No more inquiries as to my well-being. Especially my mental well-being.
People were afraid that they might catch my sadness and depression, I guess. Maybe if the tables were turned I would have been the kind of person to also throw a person away like a used up tissue. I can’t say for certain, of course. I would like to think that I would continue to reach out to someone that I claimed to love. That is the kind of person that I would want to be.
But life is like that, we don’t know what we would do unless we actually experience it ourselves. Watching the downfall of another human being must not be pleasant. It must be easier to walk away and pretend that you don’t care anymore.
Yes, I have been tossed aside by people that I thought truly cared about me. It leaves a gapping hole, right where your heart is located.
The silence is loud. It creates a void where laughter and inside jokes used to reside. It doesn’t go away, it only subsides to a low ache.
So I sit here and cry. I cry for the person I am inside, who can’t maintain old friendships on any deep, meaningful level. My head aches from all of the crying. I cry for myself, the one who has been forgotten. Unless you have had this happen to you, you cannot understand how low it makes you feel.
Unloved. Unlovable. Uninteresting. Un-thought of.
There is nothing that I can do about it anymore and I have to let it go.