I have tons of pre-trip preparation things to do before May 14th. My time of ignoring my neglected body is now over for the next two weeks.

I have compiled a checklist to help myself and to amuse all of you with.

-Buy a box of hair dye so that I can rid myself of the grey hair that loves to torture me so. Decide to go with my natural hair color of dark brown in order to avoid any mishaps, like last time when I tried to be all sexy.

-Pluck my eyebrows and chin hairs. This is actually a simple, although time consuming and painful job. Plus, I will have to do it again in about 6 days. This is the reason why I have started growing a monobrow.

-Wonder what the hell am I going to do with my feet. They are far from pretty. Think maybe nail polish and a scraper will help, but lose energy to try it.

Decide to wear socks whenever possible.

-Use lotion on all body parts twice a day, never mind that my skin continues to have the appearance of Casper the Friendly Ghost.


Decide to be pale and proud, damn it.

-Pick around in my summer clothes and find that I need a new wardrobe. Go to Walmart and buy a few cheap shirts. Then travel to the drug store where in the back they sell irregular clothing for cheap. Purchase two pairs of Just My Size shorts in some kind of janky pink and red. Come home and find out that the one pair is a 5x, which is way too big. Think maybe it would be easier to wear them instead of take them back, until they fall to the floor around my ankles and I trip.

-Find a pair of sandals that cover up my feet. No flip flops for me, those hurt my toes anyways.

-Get some cheap razors so that I can shave my legs and underarms. Curse loudly when I nick myself on the shin. Use toilet paper to soak up the blood and then nick myself about 4 more times. Give up and use Nair, which doesn’t fucking work.

Become one with the fact that I will have scabs on my legs.

There, that should do it! Sunshine and beach blanket bingo here I come!