I’ve been doing some thinking about why I am so unhappy and depressed lately. Blaming the chemical imbalance in my brain only goes so far and according to my doctor isn’t the real reason anyways. There is more to it, much more than I can easily digest at any given moment. It all seems so complicated and makes me want to crawl back into my bed and hide away from everything that disturbs me. Which lately is almost everything.

Breaking it down isn’t easy. Is it going to do much to restore my fragile mental health? I have no idea if it will or not, but I am like a fly that is desperate to find its way back out the screen door.

1. No Job

I haven’t been able to work since 2012. It was a way to socialize. Plus, I barely get enough money each month to survive on. I have never been as poor as I am now and this is a scary way to live. I constantly worry on what can go wrong on a daily basis and not having the funds to change anything. I had a mini van but it broke down on me and I wasn’t able to fix it. So now we have the one car which is getting old and my husband takes it each and every day to work. I have to ask for rides or hope that people will come and get me out of here sometimes.

2. My Health

In 2011, my mental health landed me in the hospital. Starting in 2012, the disease fibromyalgia took me by surprise and further messed with my overall health. Now, I suffer with fatigue, pain and feel unwell most of the time. I am not pleased with this and want my old life back, but I know that this isn’t going to happen. I go from being angry to scared, then back again to truly pissed off. All I want to do is to be well enough to get a part time job, even though I don’t have a way of getting there right now. I just want to find my “new” self and have things make sense again.

I sleep to escape much of the time. I am intimate with my eyelids. We’re all getting a drink next week.

3. My Daughter

She wants to go to college this fall, but she doesn’t even have a job. She picked an expensive place to go and we are short by a huge sum of money. I am not sure that she quite understands just how poor we are. I am actually irked with her and her inability to take this seriously. Everyone tells me that it isn’t my fault, but I feel guilty because I am unable to help her on her journey. If I could write her a big fat check I would in a heartbeat.

I would also buy myself a shitty car with some of it.

4. Lack of Control

So much time all up in my shit.

I feel like I am not in control of much of anything. Finances, health…my life seems so useless and pointless sometimes. I used to know who I was and now I am not sure what my function is anymore. I am a wife, mother, daughter, friend. But what am I to myself?

I don’t know where to turn or where to go for help. I see my doctors. I have an appointment with a therapist next month. I don’t want to end up back at the hospital again.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to be as well as I can be given what I have to work with. Yet every road that I try to walk leaves me still floundering.

Advertisements