I am still quite deep down in the muck of depression. My thoughts are not my own. I’m trying to feel something good instead of this constantly nagging hopelessness. I haven’t felt like doing much, not even writing helps me right now. Getting through each day has been torture. I am trying my hardest to distract myself and push these feelings away from me. Tomorrow is fast approaching and I need to get better. 20 hours a week of intensive outpatient therapy and new medications are my only hope.

I am fortunate to have my family and friends that are constantly checking in on me the last few days, making sure that I don’t decide to do something stupid. They tell me that I am important and loved. I swallow it up like nectar, for I need to know and feel this right now. It seems that getting off of that med was not the cure-all, although I don’t feel as numb as I did. Yet this depressive episode is lingering on and I am miserable.

I want to laugh again and make others laugh. I miss myself tremendously.

I am having all of these persistent symptoms.

  • Little interest or pleasure in doing things
  • Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless
  • Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much
  • Feeling tired or having little energy
  • Poor appetite, overeating, or considerable weight changes
  • Feeling bad about yourself – that you are a failure or having a lot of guilt
  • Trouble concentrating on things or making decisions
  • Moving or speaking slowly, so that other people have noticed, or being so restless that you’ve been moving around a lot
  • Thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of hurting yourself in some way

Every fucking one of them. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.