I’d say for the most part that people get the concept of what it must be like to be severely depressed. Especially the humor aspect, like my don’t jump post from yesterday. I found that to be utterly hilarious. (Because I have a sick sense of humor no doubt.)
The morning group leader is taking a gang of depressives with suicidal death thoughts to a bridge. She is taking a chance having us commune with nature. Her adding some gallows humor was perfect in my opinion and makes me like her that much more.
But every now and then someone comes along who has no idea what the hell it must be like. I picture a football whizzing by their head, right the fuck over it. I accept it and move on. Not everyone in this world is attuned with the dark side. I find myself envying them, yet I also feel a titch sorry for them as well.
The key word here is empathy. To me, it’s like the air that I breathe.
To be full of sunshine and light is not my bag and never will be. Even being fully medicated on the proper medications will not take away the fact that I am a sensitive who absorbs my surroundings like a sponge in a bucket of dirt soaked, murky water.
I turn my coin to the tarnished side first and then after much effort on my part, I turn it to the shiny one.
I get the feels too much, too strongly, too frequently. When the depression comes a callin’, it is like living in a word filled without desire for anything. All you can think about is how pointless everything is. The past and the future combine like a rancid paste that smells like death. You worry, you obsess, you feel like the world is caving in on you. No one loves you. You suck worse than running out of toilet paper after you just took a dump.
For fuck sake, is that some potty humor I detect?
Wanting to write something this evening is a welcome feeling for a change. I might not feel up to it tomorrow, but at this moment I am experiencing something close to desire again. I will not overthink it or hit a pinata just yet.
I am a firm believer in jinxing myself. So I’ll just stop while I am ahead.