I saw my shrink on Tuesday again, an emergency appointment. I was rather sure that I was losing my good old mind. A term not used that often anymore, a nervous breakdown. I sat on her plush tan couch, shaking, holding myself and gently rocking back and forth.
I begged her for help. I do not want to go back to the psych ward again. Decaf coffee and plastic pillows aside, a third stint within such a short period of time is not something I am proud of, plus Medicare would probably throw a shit fit.
My mom came in with me and told the doctor that I am not myself lately. That all of these drugs they have been putting me on is not helping, seemingly making matters worse. So she put me on a whole new slew of medications. A new antidepressant that will take weeks to work, if it actually does I have no idea yet. But she did give me something to help with the wicked awful anxiety/panic attacks that I have been experiencing since I got out of the hospital the second time.
I love this medication, I truly do. It’s a pretty strong little morsel of I don’t give a fuck. Yes, I know that it is addicting and that withdrawal can be a bitch. I did my homework. But right now, I care not. All I know is that I am no longer in constant freak out mode. I am mildly concerned about being unable to pay my bills, that I might end up living in a tent by the river. I kept my cool when my “new” car wouldn’t start Friday. I was fine with the fact that my husband had to ask his boss for the money to get a new battery.
I kept calm when my husband started shaking and sweating on the way home from the grocery store today because of low blood sugar. I stopped and got him a Snickers. I didn’t break down like a little bitch. Yay me. Yay drugs.
This stuff is supposed to help me get through until the antidepressant starts to work. Fuck, I hope it does. I still have faint inclinations of not wanting to be here. No real plans at the moment. Just a feeling of not wanting to deal with anything. I have to keep repeating to myself, it does matter.
Because it doesn’t feel like anything does right now.
They say only the strong survive. I still have a part of me that doesn’t want to. I hate it. No matter what though, I will let you all know if I can continue to stay strong.