This particular pill bottle has been around. It got soaking wet in my hoodie pocket. Manhandled by the cops, given to my mother for safe keeping, until she decided it was okay to give it back to me. I can barely read the instructions on it, all smudged now, although I know what it says.
Take one pill every four to six hours, as needed for pain. I have fibromyalgia.
I didn’t pay attention to how many I took, just shook out a few in my palm as I walked in the rain towards the woods near my house. The plan was to find a nice tree to sit against and take the rest, swigging them down with my flavored water.
The problem was, the woods were saturated that day and reminded me of a swamp. There was no decent place to huddle up. I walked around for a few minutes, my black Nike tennis shoes filling up with water. Slosh splash they went, my socks soaking wet. The water went up to my ankles.
Finding no comfortable dry spot to land myself, I stood there under a tree to take cover from the misty rain that was suddenly turning into a downpour. I was so miserable, so tired of fighting the urge to kill myself on a daily basis. I was lost, without hope.
Yet, I didn’t want to sit in the water. I had enough clarity of mind at that moment, the idea of dying in a mud puddle did not appeal to me. If it had been a dry day, I don’t know if I would have followed through with it or not.
I lingered for some time, trying to decide what to do. Finally, I gave up the idea and headed back home. I was met halfway by my husband. I was belligerent and nasty.
“Leave me the fuck alone!” I screamed, beating my fists into his chest.
Then my mom and aunt were there. It was chaos, screaming and crying. The cops were called and the ambulance showed up within minutes. I finally succumbed and went peacefully to the emergency room, sobbing with all of my heart.
I just wanted to be free of the pain. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Only myself.
My mother was there, her sweet and loving presence as always a balm for my aching soul.
I don’t have any feelings of hurting myself right now, but what I do have is fear. That it will come again someday. I live my life now watching my thoughts like a hawk.
If you are having feelings of self-harm or suicide, please tell someone.