I wake up, grab my coffee and sit in front of my computer for awhile. I smoke my cigarettes, like the bad girl that I am, and try to decide what sort of day I will have. I do a quick body scan on myself. What hurts extra today? Are my legs weaker than they were yesterday? Do my elbows and hands ache? How’s that back doing?
What’s my energy level? Do I already want to go to bed again? How much effort and fake smiles will I need to manifest in order to make it through another day?
I live my life like this, a day at a time. Biggest cliche in the world, heard by people everywhere. But it’s the only way to go. I can’t worry about tomorrow, just this moment.
As it happens, so far I am around a 5 all around. I would prefer a 3, but it’s better than a 9. Beggars can’t be choosers.
A 10 would send me to the ER.
I took a shower Thursday, so I’m good until at least tomorrow.
I do need to go to the store and grab a few things. It seems like we always need something around here. But once I get through that, I can come home and do whatever I want. Usually, I watch a TV show or take a nap. Or if I have the energy and my mind isn’t blurry from fibro fog, I’ll write something, or read.
“Many people with fibromyalgia experience cognitive problems, often called “brain fog” or “fibro fog.” The difficulties, which many people find very distressing, include being forgetful, feeling confused, difficulty concentrating and the inability to speak clearly.” http://www.fibrocenter.com/
By the evening, I am ready to take my allotted amount of pain meds, a couple of my anti-anxiety pills and smoke some weed. I sit on the couch and hang out with my husband, mess around on my phone, try to pretend that everything is normal. That I don’t need drugs to make myself feel human for awhile.
Like I said, a day at a time. Tomorrow? No, I won’t think of it.