I started this blog in October of 2012, originally as an online journal, the idea coming from a therapist that I was seeing at the time. It was a short-lived relationship due to the fact that she was a ding-dong of the highest order. (I’ve been to enough to know, trust me.) But I owe her a thank you for telling me to check out WordPress.
I think too much. I always have. I think that this is one of my worst traits, not because of the fact that I think, but what I think about. Maybe I wouldn’t even call it thinking, but more like obsessing.
I feel despair, from what has happened, what is happening now and what will happen in the future. It stays close, like a shawl keeping me warm around my neck. It really is something that is a part of who I am, threaded into my soul, whether I like it or not.
I can’t even begin to explain why, just like anyone else who has a mental illness, the kind that renders you emotionally bereft.
I continue to find myself peering into the darkness and wishing that it would swallow me up, like quicksand. I fear that this will be a constant in my life.
And I feel guilty for that. I would love to be the sunshine instead of the clouds, for just once in my life.
I find myself incredibly uncomfortable lately sharing my inner thoughts on a regular basis. Plus, if you look at my 1,500 some posts, I have said it all already.
I don’t blog all that much anymore, because the topics are always the same. (See above.)
I am burned out. I’m not even sure if I want to keep this blog anymore. I have contemplated starting a new one that doesn’t focus on my illnesses, yet I am sad to shut this one down.
For now, I will be posting and reading blogs in spurts, when I can crawl out of the dark place that I keep finding myself in, despite my extreme efforts to stay “stable.”
I do not want to write about the fucking darkness anymore.