I’m almost afraid to say it, but I will anyways and just hope that I’m not jinxing myself.
I have been feeling much better mentally recently. The best that I have been in quite a long while.
*Looks up at sky, waiting for a lightening bolt to zap me*
I get the urge to kiss my Effexor every morning before I swallow it down with my morning coffee. That’s all that I am on right now, 150 mg of this old school antidepressant. I only take my anti-anxiety pills (Klonopin) under extreme circumstances, when I am overly stressed out and trying to stop a panic attack in its tracks. I’m also seeing a wonderful new therapist.
I am so damn thankful that I wasn’t successful last summer, that my suicide attempt didn’t work out the way that I had planned it. I no longer lay in bed thinking about of all of the ways that I could pull it off.
Instead, I am thinking about the things that I’d like to do the next day if my body allows it.
Instead of feeling like there is too much time, I find myself thinking that there isn’t enough!
I’m not afraid to draw breath like I was last year. I’m not scared of being alive. I can handle (for the most part) what the day brings me without wanting to huddle in the corner shaking.
I am mostly me again.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad days. There is no perfection when it comes to depression.
Another thing I do right now is to make it a point to tell everyone in my life that I love them. I never miss an opportunity. Because it’s important to me that they know.
By the way, I love you guys.
The recovery process is a daily battle and not something that I take for granted. It’s like walking on a tightrope, trying to keep your balance. You can’t help but to look down and see alligators (or a few piranha) waiting for you to fall so that they can swallow you up again.
Depression is a hungry fucker. Ravenous.
But right now, I am okay. I haven’t fallen off of my rope, although I do falter from time to time, just like my little hamster friend up there.
At this moment, I am walking my tightrope with somewhat great ease. And I hope that it lasts for awhile, because I like the way the wind gently blows my hair.
Until it gets into my eyes, then it pisses me off a little.