Social Security is reviewing my disability. They do this every three years for a case like mine. I got the overwhelming (for me) paperwork yesterday.

I want to do this someday.

I fucking love Mr. Bean, he’s my hero.

Anyways, so what does genius me do? I take too many Klonopin and knock my ass out for 16 hours.

Um, yes. Stupid decision. I’ve never taken more than 2 at a time. My shrink had told me that taking 2 was okay. I honestly wasn’t trying to hurt myself, I just wanted to go numb for a spell.

It looks like my anxiety and panic attacks are still a highly prominent issue in my life. You throw a wrench into the works and watch as Mer loses her shit!!!

I wrote a poem about it. Wanna read it? Here it go!

I am standing straight and tall

But then, a bad thing comes

Just like the Kool-Aid man

Crashing through your wall


The idea of losing my disability was the catalyst, the reason for taking that crazy dose of anxiety medication. If I had been thinking with a calm mind, I would have just taken the usual 2 pills and Googled the topic. It is a standard policy and nothing to be frightened about.

I wish that I was miraculously cured of my ailments. I would give anything to be able to go back to work and follow my dream of being a topless dancer.

No, I’m kidding. The only person who wants to see my boobs is my husband, bless him.

Seriously though, I wake up to use the restroom at like 5 in the morning and still get a bit of a hitch in my breath. Oh shit, I’m late for work!

When I realize that I no longer have a job, I scratch my ass and go back to my bed, still warm from my body heat.

I will fill out these forms, sign a release so that they can retrieve my medical records and then have my mom sign as a witness. If they decide to send me to their doctors again, I will do so.

And wait for their decision. And wait…..