I had another nightmare about my ex the other night. It was so bad that when I screamed the word no, I woke myself up. I crawled out of bed, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom. I sat there trying to gather my senses, shaking a little bit. I had to remind myself that I was safe.

That he couldn’t hurt me anymore.

I wish that these nightmares would go away, seriously. He doesn’t belong in my head. He doesn’t belong anywhere near me. The only thing he is to me now is a sperm donor, for without him I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter.

I never loved him. I said it back to him when he said it, but it was just to appease him. How can you love someone who calls you a lazy bitch, and tells you to shut the fuck up when you have the nerve to offer an opinion about something?

abusehasnoplaceinlove

He might have said the words, but to him I was only a possession, someone he could control, and beat when he felt the need to be an alpha-male.

I need to bring him up during therapy, but I am afraid to talk about him too much for fear of more nightmares. Yet if I don’t, he will continue to haunt my dreams.

My friend Cheryl and I are going to celebrate next year, on February 17th, the 15th anniversary of when I left him. Freedom Day, she called it.

Who knows, I might even get shitfaced.

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