After almost 4 years of blogging, I have many older posts that I feel deserve resharing. Occasionally, I will do a Rerun Sunday. This is one of my favorites from two years ago.
You haven’t really lived until you’ve been stuck inside a tube.
I don’t recall who’s idea it was, but when my daughter turned 4, we had a party for her at the one and only Chuck E. Cheese. You know, the place where a kid can be a kid and an adult can have a migraine.
I used to love the place myself when I was young, especially the balls.
Turns out, the day we went the balls were shut down because some kid had taken a tinkle in there. I was sad, but there was much fun to be had regardless. I had some decent coinage and the pizza almost passed for edible.
I noticed that the new and improved CEC had Sky Tubes that ran throughout the entire building and for some reason I decided that it would be a gas to join my daughter and the other kids. The whole works reminded me of a giant hamster paradise and it looked like fun. I was still young and spry, so I figured why the fuck not?
What I didn’t take into consideration was the fact that I was not a kid. I hadn’t been a kid for a long ass time. The tubes were not made to accommodate a grown woman who had a chocolate chip cookie addiction. Instead of just accepting the fact that I had missed out on such an exciting and modern way to burn off excess energy, I did what I now consider to be one of my most embarrassing moments in a public place.
I crouched down and entered the tube.
I made it about 10 crawls before I realized I was in trouble. Not only was I slow and holding up the line, but I was steadily realizing that my body was no longer designed to be twisted and turned like a pretzel. Not like it ever really had, but that is for another time, maybe.
Then, like a beacon of strength, out of one of the portholes I saw the adults in my party watching me with admiration. I was one of those cool moms who got right down and dirty with the children.
Later I was to find out they were actually mesmerized by my stupidity.
I plodded on, until finally I made it to a junction that I just could not pass. Unless one of the little kiddies ran to fetch me a stick of butter and a crowbar, I was staying put. Even then, I still don’t think I could have made it through without having cracked some detrimental part of my body.
Joints were made to go one way, unless you were Harry Houdini or someone else within his skill bracket.
I am not claustrophobic, but I started having a panic attack right there. The tubes were all so bright and colorful. They mocked me with taunts. The little moppet directly behind me patted me on the bum, a bit harder than I thought was necessary.
“Come on lady, hurry up!”
In hindsight I should have farted on him, but that wouldn’t have been very nice of me, hmm?
I knew the only way out was to go back from whence I came, so I took a deep breath.
“Okay, kid. Back it up.”
I couldn’t see him from my particular standpoint at that moment, but I assume his little mouth gaped open.
“I can’t keep going, I don’t fit. So, back it up. Please.”
I should have offered him a few Chuck tokens for his assistance. A few games of Whack-a-mole makes everything better.
Very slowly, I made the backwards crawl to freedom.
Ah, sweet fucking freedom.
Then I noticed that almost all the parents and children in attendance that day were staring at me oddly. Some were laughing, while others just looked disturbed and disgusted. I had nothing to say, so I just made my way back to the table and stuffed my face with suddenly delicious pizza, cardboard crust and all.
Now, the most I will do is play hide and seek.