If you’re offended by references to human waste, otherwise known as poo, shit and crap, please do not continue reading.

But remember, everybody poops.

My adventure started yesterday morning. I had drank my two cups of coffee, like always. Things started stirring in my stomach. I put it off as long as I could (you’ll see why soon.)

I clenched my buttcheeks together and sat a bit askew on my chair. But once it started becoming painful, I made my way to the upstairs bathroom.

I did what needed to be done, while playing a bubble popping game on my phone.

What I didn’t realize was that my trusty plunger was on the verge of breaking. It has served me well for almost 7 years. I’m actually sad to have to say goodbye to it.

You see, I have been clogging toilets since I was 4 years old, so I know a good plunger when I see one. I am truly an amatuer plummer by now.

Been Clogging Toilets Since 1978!!

I’ll use Play-Doh extruders as an example of what I’m dealing with here.

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My shape is on the left…normal people on the right.ย 

 

You get the idea, I hope. There are some of us who do not do #2 delicately.

Once I realized that my plunger was done for, I had to do something extremely unpleasant, but necessary. I emptied the overfilled toilet bowl by hand with a large cup, into the bathtub with the hot water running. I sprayed bleach everywhere and washed my hands like 10 times.

I decided that I would just close the lid and tell my family that the toilet was out of order until I could buy a new plunger (although I would never find one again like El Turdo.)

I forgot to mention it to my daughter, so she did her thingย and then she flushed, leaving the aftermath for me to clean up…again.

At 5am, just as the birds started to sing morning songs.

So I closed the lid for a second time and put my shower chair on top of it, thinking that would keep everyone away from my clogged toilet.

While I slept, my husband went into the bathroom, took the shower chair down and for some reason, flushed.

Please guys, just stop.

Stop it.

Yet again it filled up with disgusting, germ ridden shit water. I was completely annoyed.

I have OCD and one of my obsessions is germs, so I emptied it once more, swearing under my breath. I sprayed even more bleach and took a shower, scrubbing myself extra hard to rid myself of poo germs.

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Let’s take a break and learn the history of the flush toilet.

It’s actually an intriguing story.

I tried using the snake, but all I ended up doing was hurting myself and scratching the porcelain. I used a dollar store plunger that my husband bought before he left for work, but it was flimsy and useless.

Ah ha! Hot boiling water! I’ve tried that trick before in the past. This was some stubborn shitย and it needed to go bye bye!

It took two huge pots of boiling water, two hours to let it sit and a slightly better plunger that my daughter bought to finally unclog the damn thing.

I used half of my bottle of bleach water, just to make sure that everything was germ-free so that none of us comes down with Shit Water Fever.

It’s a thing.

This is why I hate using the bathroom, especially after I eat Mexican food.

My mom claims that I must have an extra large colon or something. I should ask my doctor about this. I can imagine the conversation.

So yeah, I won’t be asking him about it.

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