Every Wednesday my friend Cheryl comes to pick me up and we go to a place called Zack’s for lunch. I get the same thing (because I fear change), a cheesesteak and a side of macaroni salad, because I don’t like french fries, unless they’re from McDonald’s.
I also order a beer or two. I never drink enough to get sauced anymore, just a mild buzz. Getting drunk nowadays is nearly impossible anyways, I just end up wanting to go to sleep, which I don’t need assistance with.
It doesn’t seem like a big deal, does it? People go out with their friends for lunch all of the time.
But to me it’s a grand outing, something that I really look forward to.
It took everything that I had to get dressed and go out yesterday. Literally every bit of energy that I had.
I came home and took a two hour nap, but I ended up feeling worse afterwards, which really aggravated me. I partly blame the two beers that I had. I probably should stop drinking, it doesn’t really do me much good in the long run.
The days of me whipping my bra around while standing on a coffee table are just a faded memory now.
I almost had my husband take me to the ER, but as usual I decided that it would be a waste of my time.
I was so exhausted that I could barely get up from the couch, which really sucks when you have to pee.
I was in a scary amount of pain which seems to be a normal occurrence lately. Imagine like little daggers continuously stabbing at you and you can’t flick them away. I took a carefully mixed medley of meds and smoked some weed, then called it a night.
My life revolves around two things: pharmaceuticals and sleep.
In my darkest thoughts, I wonder honestly how long I’ll be able to deal with this without wanting to fall into the abyss.
Like it’s a piece of poisoned chocolate that you know you could eat if you really wanted to.
Then I snap out of it. I manage to keep on going somehow, pushing daily through my shitacular reality.
Because what if the abyss is worse? (This thought is brought to you by my Catholic upbringing.)
*As a side note, I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, I just need to vent this crap out sometimes. I am not the only person dealing with a chronic illness that slowly takes away small pieces of you.