Sometimes you find a meme that totally encapsulates how you feel about life.

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Some of you might see this and think to yourself, “Oh shit, Mer’s in trouble again.”

Let me assure you that I am not currently suicidal.

I have dysthymia or as my therapist says a depressive personality.

Or as my best friend from high school says, a sense of melancholia about me.

When I saw this meme I laughed and instantly shared it on my Facebook wall, even though I don’t really dig tutus.

I’m pretty sure that, just as Lady Gaga would say, I was born this way.

Wow, I am quoting a lot of people here. Just one more, I promise.

My dear Alice calls us both hummingbirds who are constantly fluttering our wings a million times a minute just to stay in the air. We have matching bracelets with the tiny bird hanging as a charm and also one that says courage.

 

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It takes plenty of courage to keep fluttering those wings.

 

The right antidepressant keeps me from planning my death. It keeps me here to continue fighting the good fight. It keeps me from being scared shitless 24/7.

But it doesn’t take away my core personality. You know, the one who feels too much, sees the tarnished side of the coin first but still wants to wave a magic wand around to fix everything that sucks ass.

I’m about 70% back to my old self (my first breakdown was 5 years or so ago) and I am more than thrilled that I have even accomplished that.

But when the night is upon me and I am alone in my room perhaps smoking a cigarette because I can’t sleep, I will feel that deadness inside of me creeping in like a thief.

Well shit, I whisper to myself.

It’s as familiar to me as my own hand.

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