I get so nervous about seeing my doctor. This will be the fourth time now. He’s nice, he listens to me and I think that he honestly believes me when I tell him how much pain I’m in.

I even have a golden nugget of awesome news to tell him, that I haven’t had a real cigarette since January 9th. I hope that this pleases him. He can put that into my patient info folder, that I am an ex-smoker and then maybe he’ll give me a lollipop.

I hate going to the doctor because I know that there still isn’t anything that he can really do for me. I’m like a broken knickknack that super glue can’t even help fix.

I might ask him for 10 mg of hydrocodone instead of a mere 5 mg.

Pain pills keep falling on my head…

This is how it’ll go down:

He’ll look uncomfortable with the request and deny it, I betcha. Not because he doesn’t believe me, but…

Then I’ll say that there’s a huge difference between being dependent on a med and being addicted.

Quality of life? I don’t have much of one, so will an extra 5 mg a day really help matters?

I always make sure on doctor day not to go in medicated, especially high as a kite. (Weed is stinky.)

I don’t do my hair or put on a face. I am showered and wearing clean clothing, I don’t want to offend anyone, but otherwise I try to appear as disheveled as possible.

I want him to watch me wince when I move. I want him to see my limp when I walk.

I won’t nap today, even though it’s a 4 o’clock appointment. I want him to see how fucking exhausted I am when he looks into my eyes.

I want him to see that it’s getting worse.