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Prepare yourself…get ready to have your mind blown.

I was standing at a bus stop in my hometown when I noticed for the first time what most people call “floaters” in my field of vision when I looked up at the semi cloudy sky.

My first thought was, what in the holy clusterfuck are these things?

This was back in 1993, long before the internet, so I had no other choice but to ask my mother.

Nothing to worry about, she told me. Many people experienced this strange phenomenon, so I could stop my worrying. (I was am a hypochondriac.)

Eye floaters can be clumpy or stringy; light or dark. They are caused by clumps or specks of undissolved vitreous gel material floating in the dissolved gel-like fluid (vitreous) in the back of the eye, which cast shadows on the retina when light enters the eye. Β  -Via http://www.allaboutvision.com

Mine are always stringy and white, although occasionally darker. (Just in case you were curious.)

I’ve always been a bit paranoid about my eyesight. I got my first pair of glasses in the 4th grade and my subpar vision has progressed to the point that at the age of almost 43 (I drop little seedlings of my upcoming birthday in August, so that you guys have plenty of time to buy me stuff) I am literally blind as a bat without my spectacles.

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You’re cray, bitch. My vision is 20/20.

I have a restriction on my driver’s license, the one that stipulates that I cannot, under any circumstances, drive without my corrective lenses on.

This means, if we were together and both of us got attacked by a bear, knocking you unconscious and making me lose my glasses, I legally wouldn’t be able to drive anywhere to get us help.

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Come on, wake up! It’s just a fucking concussion, man!! Walk it off.

A place near me is offering lasik for $250 per eyeball. I don’t even know if I’d qualify. I have a lazy eye that was never fixed as a child (one of the main reasons why I hate making eye contact with someone) and have no clue what a astigmatism is, let alone if I have one or not.

I am so used to the eye floaters by now. I’ve grown accustomed to their floating, you could say. They have become a part of me, my own little undissolved vitreous gel.

Here’s a clip of Family Guy, one of my favorite shows. Stewie asks Brian to take some notes for his memoir, then Stewie talks about his “squiggly lines in his eye fluid.”


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