I’ve been doing an awful lot of crying these last few days. First on Saturday during my session with my therapist and then last night on the couch while I watched TV.

I’m used to having muscles spasms and twitches on a 24/7 basis but what my left thigh is doing right now (still!) is seriously unusual.

The twitching is violent. It shakes and shudders my entire leg. The muscles are so weak that I can barely put any weight on it. I’m about to email my doctor. The muscle relaxer that I’ve been taking for 6 years is no longer cutting the cheese.

Cheddar cheese? No, Swiss. (That’s my best attempt at humor today.)

I started crying last night and my husband, alarmed, asked me what was wrong. I just kept shaking my head because I didn’t have any words.

I was finally able to say something. I pointed at my leg.

“Look. Oh my God, you can see it! Do you see it?”

Proof. Actual visual proof.

Because I don’t look sick. But I am.

“Yes, I see it,” he whispered. Then he got up, found the generic muscle rub and sat on the footstool so he could massage my thigh for me.

His eyes widened as his hand felt the spasms, in 5 second continious intervals.

“That’s fucking crazy. Does it hurt?”

I just looked at him, wiping my snotty nose with a tissue. I nodded.

It was a sweet gesture. Muscle rub, medications…nothing makes it stop, nothing that I do makes it any better.

Plus I lost yet another marijuana contact. Come on, September of 2018, mama needs a medical weed card.

I’m hoping that my doctor will prescribe me something stronger today. If not, I have an appointment with him in a couple of weeks and maybe I can manifest some tears for him.

I know that there’s no cure or decent treatments for fibromyalgia. I think that might be a part of why I’m crying. I’m fucking scared. It’s already taken so much away from me. It’s such an evil disease and becoming more debilitating by the day.

Will it just keep on taking until I have nothing left?