Where I live, air conditioning is a luxury, not a necessity.

Northeast Ohio has its fair share of devil’s armpit days. Like yesterday, we hit 90 degrees. This is a huge deal here, the weather people on the local news get really worked up over it.

The portable AC that our neighbor gave us last summer broke yesterday. We tried to troubleshoot it but whatever’s wrong with the damned thing is beyond our mechanical ability.

All I know for sure is that hot air shouldn’t be blowing out of its backside. The bedroom was hotter than the rest of the house. Not cool.

Our central air (the unit is an early 90’s model) is also DOA. It worked for our first 4 years living here and then kaplooey. It needs replaced but that is never going to happen.

Never, never, never!! (I’ve always wanted to write that.)

We use fans. Lots of fans. I missed my fans so much during the 2 hour power outage that we had last night, it was actually pathetic.

A grown woman shouldn’t be begging a Honeywell fan to blow on her.

I will gladly pay you Tuesday if you’ll blow on me today.

It was widespread through my county (say Cuyahoga, it’s fun) because of so many people running their air conditioners.


No, I’m kidding. That’s just jealousy talking. (The bastards.)

Sorry. (No, they can all kiss my rump.)

When I was a kid, we didn’t have air conditioning for one simple reason: we were poor. You just learned how to sweat and stay cool creatively.

This ancient knowledge comes in handy now. I can fashion a fan from an electric bill in under a minute, put a semi cool rag on my neck and wipe my forehead simultaneously, while complaining loudly that it’s just too damn sultry.

Under no circumstances do you sit on anything that will adhere to your skin.

When I got a bit older, my mom got a window air conditioner for our living room. She put up a giant blanket to keep the cold air in and closed the stairway door. If we kids wanted to sleep downstairs, we had to hit the floor. (My mom had the foldout couch, obviously.)

So we did. Without complaint, might I add.

Because here in Northeast Ohio, a furnace is a necessity. An air conditioner isn’t.

It’s a fucking luxury and that’s the way it has always been since I can remember.

How fast can you make a paper fan?