I wasn’t born a sarcastic smartass. It was more like a slow evolution, somewhat akin to how a speck of sand becomes a pearl.

Honestly, I have no fucking clue how a speck of sand becomes a pearl. I suppose that I could Google it but that would turn this post into an educational one and that’s not what this is. This is purely for entertainment purposes only and I need to stay on track, not go meandering like I am so oft to do.

Ah, yes. Sarcasm. To some, it comes naturally. To others, they wouldn’t know sarcasm if it took a whizz on their shoes.

What is sarcasm? Good question! I’ll be right back, let me find the definition.

Okay, now we’re off and running.

Sarcasm is “a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter gibe or taunt.” Sarcasm may employ ambivalence, although sarcasm is not necessarily ironic.

Well shit.

Whatever.

I only use sarcasm on people who can give it back to me. (With great sarcasm comes great responsibility.) To use it on people who don’t comprehend it is just cruel. Since I am basically a nice person, (seriously, I have a heart of gold, man) I would feel guilty if I hurt someone that’s unarmed by releasing the sarcasm kraken on them.

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I work 40 hours a week to be this poor…

Sarcasm is simple, really. It’s saying one thing while meaning the complete opposite.

Sarcasm can be obvious, subtle or deadpan. I’m good at all three of those styles, although I can rock me some deadpan. I can make sarcastic remarks with a perfectly straight face, although you guys don’t get to see me do it.

If it seems like I’m bragging, I’m really not. There’s more to it. It’s not all moonbeams and unicorn turds. 

I often hide behind the wall that sarcasm built.

My first instinct when the shit hits the fan is to make fun of it (the shit), make fun of myself (it’s easy to do) and then shoot sarcasm daggers haphazardly through the air, watching with great amusement to see where they land.

Most of my closest friends are also sarcastic. It’s not a prerequisite to attain my friendship, it’s just preferable.

Most of this post is sarcastic. Holy shitballs, this post is literally drenched in it.

When I was teased as a youngster, I’d come up with all of these awesome killer comebacks about 5 minutes after the teasing. Or I’d be thinking of it while I was being made fun of but I couldn’t get my mouth to utter the words, never mind the perfect comedic timing to really make it work.

I think that’s a huge part of why I am the way that I am now. I was suffering from repressed sarcasm. Sounds pretty awful and it really was. 

And that brings us back to the here and now.

Sarcasm doesn’t always have to be cutting and rude, though. It can be soft and fluffy, like a bunny.

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This carrot better be organic, asshat.
Well, maybe I’m wrong. Not the first time and it sure won’t be the last.

Do you use sarcasm at all or do you think it’s just an excuse for someone to be an asshole?

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