Recently I attended a funeral of a very dear loved one. I knew her since I was a babe, she was the sweet lady that put me down for my naps, my mother’s best friend, her daughter was married to my brother. She was like a beloved aunt, close to a second mom. I loved her so but age was not kind to her and poor health took her a bit too soon. I went into a heavy fibro flare. I had a family obligation and damn it, I would not be stopped from saying my final goodbyes! I took out the ‘rescue medication.’ I knew I’d be nodding off like a heroine addict if I took my regular dose and wasn’t able to nap until the pain eased but I didn’t care. Come hell or high water I was going to attend… and here is what I remember saying and thinking;

“Yes, thank you.” (What the hell is your name again?)

“Well, we knew it was coming.” (Why do I have to make you feel better?)

“She will be missed.” (My heart is broken asshole!)

Why are people so willing to turn out for the funeral of a person they haven’t seen in years but have such a hard time visiting them when they live a block away? After the funeral ends there seems to be a method of ‘after death stalking’ that takes place. All of a sudden you see these ‘attendees’ everywhere. EVERYWHERE… and what they say versus what I wish I could say;

“How are you doing?” (Two more pain pills and I’ll let you know.)

“I dropped a casserole off at your house for you.” (Yeah, that was nice but tuna casserole is cheap.)

“I miss her so much.” (Apparently since you hadn’t even spoke to her in years.)

Sometimes I feel like a horse attached to a merry-go-round. All prettied up and does its job, giving rides, up and down… but it is the same, day after day.  I really thought I was still angry. Angry after 20 years of dealing with this disease, with doctors, with myself… but I’m not. I’m just sad and it is harder to be sad than to be angry. Sad hurts a lot.

I know that people try to do the right thing. And their ‘right thing’ may not always jibe with what your idea is. But they do mean well. I honestly know they really do mean well. And it is OK to be sad and even angry at times but then you must remember it is within your power how to react to a situation. You determine the outcome by how you react to it. Therein lies your power to whatever this life throws your way.

kim~Kim

 

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