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Knocked Over By A Feather

But It Didn't Keep Me Down…

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motherhood

Picky Palate

I remember being so afraid that my daughter was going to choke while she was eating her Cheerios (it’s never to early to start worrying about your heart health) that I would break them in half.

Once, she projectile vomited her baby food, a jar of peas, just like Linda Blair did in The Exorcist. It scared the holy crap outta me, for real.

She still hates peas to this day.

My kid (almost adult daughter, sorry) had an extremely picky palate her first 4 years of life on this planet. Her diet consisted of about 10 things during that timeframe:

Hot Dogs (with ketchup)

Pizza (which also happens to be my favorite food)

Ketchup

Ham and Cheddar Hot Pockets

Macaroni and Cheese

French fries (with sugar laden tomato liquid)

Goldfish crackers

Grilled cheese sandwiches

Spaghetti and meatballs (Chef Boyardee)

Chicken nuggets (with catsup)

She’d sometimes go days without really eating anything substantial (or as she likes to call it now, dimensional.) I’d stand over her anxiously, practically begging her to eat something, anything!

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Oh shit, please don’t let her eat the peas!! 

Momma is having a conniption over here, my little sweetie poops.

She’d look at me with her big blue eyes and say, “I done now, can I go?”

What could I do? Hot Pockets taste like shit ice cold, so I’d shrug and watch her run off to go play, waiting for the day when she’d finally pig out. I really shouldn’t have worried so much.

Let’s just say that nowadays, she can hold her own at a buffet.

Ever since she got her own car almost two years ago, I have little control over what kind of garbage food she eats. I always offer her a plate of whatever we’re having for dinner, although she’ll often just grab a burger at work or get a sub sandwich instead.

She prefers my cooking over my husbands (can’t blame her.)

I’m just kidding. (No, I’m not.) No, he’s a good cook. He’s just not as good as moi.

What? I’m allowed to be a little arrogant. We all do something (or a few things) particularly well.

Because of my physical limitations (fucking damn it!), I honestly don’t get to cook as often as I’d like to anymore. It’s a real pisser but I still have all of the knowledge in my head from my many years of being a cook. And when I do prepare something, it always makes me feel wonderfully accomplished.

B asked me recently to cook something special, her favorite comfort food.

Macaroni and cheese with hot dogs cut up in it. But wouldn’t you know it, of course now she’ll only eat beef wieners.

Sigh. Those suckers are pricey! I guess it’s because they don’t have mechanically separated chicken in them.

Trust me on this, do not Google “mechanically separated chicken.” Just don’t.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be blessed enough to be a grandmother, but if I am, I’ll probably still be breaking those already tiny Cheerios in half.

We can never be too careful when it comes to our little ones.

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Birth Giver

birth

You can give the people who you chat with on Facebook Messenger a nickname. I had no idea that this was even a thing until last week, when my daughter assigned one to me.

Birth Giver. Instead of just a simple “mom” or even “the mama.”

At least my mother’s day card had mommy on it.

So in the spirit of hilarity and creativeness, I decided to nickname her Child-o-my-Loins.

Bling! Child-o-my-Loins sent you a message.

“What’s for dinner?”

Birth Giver: Make a sandwich. 

Child-o-my-Loins: I’m tired of sandwiches. I want something that has dimension. 

Birth Giver: You want dimensional food?

Child-o-my-Loins: Yes! 

Birth Giver: I suppose we can have hot dogs. 

Child-o-my-Loins: Are they the beef kind?

Birth Giver: Nope, just the meat kind. Might have a little bit of beef in there, you never know.

Child-o-my-Loins: Ick!  😦

Birth Giver: If you’re hungry enough, you’ll eat it and be grateful, you little turd.

Child-o-my-Loins: I’ll just have another sandwich.  :/

I find it difficult to believe that my daughter will be 21 next January. I still picture her in my mind sometimes as a 14-year-old teenager. (Especially when she gets all whiny about what’s for dinner.)

No matter the age of your child/children, they will find a way to make you laugh and facepalm simultaneously.

A Song For Mom

I’m going the sappy route today, which is not usually how I roll.

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This is more my style.

But since it’s Mothers Day and everything, I think that I can get away with it.

I talk about my mom a lot here on my blog. She’s my friend, confidant, hero and has taught me many important life skills, such as swearing and how to make a perfectly boiled egg.

Every damn time. Perfect.

Most importantly, she handed down her amazing sense of humor to me. Without one of those, you’re up shit creek without a paddle.

She’s put up with my bullshit for going on 43 years. I am grateful and blessed to have her for a mother. I know that not everyone can claim this luxury, so trust me when I say that I never take it for granted.

This song might be more appropriate for a significant other, but I think it also fits in this situation. (My mom and I danced to this song at my wedding in 2009, as she stood in for my father who passed away when I was young.)


 


 

Céline Dion – Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I’ll be forever thankful baby mom
You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You’re the one who saw me through, through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I’m grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You’ve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me


Happy Mothers day to all mothers, mothers of furbabies and to those who are missing their mothers today.

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