Knocked Over By A Feather

But It Didn't Keep Me Down…



Time To Lay the Man to Rest

I don’t have many words right now. I am exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained.

He moved his stuff out last night, but don’t worry, I had two of the strongest people I know with me, forming a sort of human shield against his asshat waves. (Perfect description, thanks Ali.)

I only lost it once while he was moving his belongings out to the garage, but I didn’t fucking cry.

It was undiluted, pure anger.

On my last post, Bojana and Wulf both left me a song. “Time for me to Fly” by REO Speedwagon and “My Love” by someone I’ve never heard of before, Kovacs.

Thank you both so much.

I’m sharing “My Love” today because the lyrics are perfect, Kovacs voice is perfect…well, you get the picture. Bojana, you’re wonderful for sharing her music with me.

It’s like a balm for my torn heart and weary soul right now.

My Love by KovacsĀ  2014

Babe don’t try to call
My heart is ticking and the show, just won’t wait

It’s strange, you couldn’t see it my way, hey now go
I pray for you to fall
The spark, has died and now you’re just too late

A shame, you’re knocking at the wrong gate, hey go home
Come what may, I won’t give away

My love, diamond rings and Chevrolets
My love, aces high and cigarettes
My love, faking all like Hollywood
My love, love, love

No way you’ll see me crawl
Like a shark I’ll be ripping you apart, and celebrate
With lots of champagne, you caught me on the wrong day, now you know

Come what may, I won’t give away

My love, see me dancing in the rain
My love, no more whiskey and cocaine
My love, ending all forbidden fruit
My love, love, love

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
No you can’t amuse me, so leave you must
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
If the spell won’t kill you, your ego does

My love, diamond rings and Chevrolets
My love, no more tears and no regrets
My love, time to lay the man to rest
My love, love, love

Music is detrimental to one’s healing process.

I’d like to ask you guys if you could share a “fuck off you cowardly piece of festering hamster shit” song for me to listen to.

Then I can compile a playlist when I’m feeling blue and shit.


Fishing in my Head

He sent me a text message yesterday afternoon.

“Hi. May I come by after work and see Maya?” (My American Bulldog, who is struggling with his absence. He didn’t even mention our other dog Maggie.)

My friend Cheryl was here with me (because she’s awesome), since I was having a really hard time, being the first full day since he left and all.

“What should I say back? I can’t see him today, I just can’t.”

“Tell him no, not today.”

He responded a few minutes later, a simple okay.

My daughter has been sick these last few days, so if she isn’t at work, she’s been in her bedroom sleeping. I have a handful of friends that I could reach out to, but so far I have stayed pretty much to myself.

During my nap today, I had a bad dream which ended with him telling me that he didn’t love me anymore, that his love for me has turned into dust.

I have to admit, I had a weak moment. I texted him back this afternoon, hoping for what, I have no idea.

“Did you still want to see the dogs?”

“I do…possibly tomorrow?”


“Today, yes.”

“You’ve already replaced me, huh?” (He won’t tell me where he’s staying.)

“No, I just have stuff to do. If not tomorrow, then on Saturday when I come to put my belongings in the garage.”

“That’s fine. I’m glad that you’re doing well.” (Not really.)

“It’s just one day at a time.”

How dare he use one of my favorite mantras?

My mom says that he’s still fucking with my head. His elusiveness as to his whereabouts is him trying to make me wonder if he’s staying with a woman or at least seeing one already. He ultimately needs someone to take care of him.

I couldn’t imagine myself going out on a date or having relations with someone right now.

I finally texted back, because I’ve always liked to have the last word.

“You’ll be much happier.”

I can’t show him any more of my pain or suffering, I think it feeds him somehow. I know that my first ex got off on hurting me and making me cry. I’m starting to think that he also secretly enjoys causing me emotional turmoil, perhaps it makes him feel like a real man, to hold the cards and deal them out as he sees fit.

I want him to believe that I’m doing great right now, even though I’m having mini anxiety attacks. I’m trying to take all of the great advice from everyone. I know that this is a process and that eventually, I’ll be better off.

Healthier, even.

I told my mom I wished that none of this had ever happened.

“Mer, IT DID.”

Yes, mom. It did.

And there ain’t nothing that I can fucking do about it but endure and try like hell not to bite when he tries to go fishing in my head again.

He’s Gone

I woke up this morning and let my dogs outside. I made coffee, all by myself.

My dogs are acting strange, because he left yesterday. He packed up a bag of clothes and toiletries, then coldly walked away from us. After 15 years, it’s all over.

He’ll be back this weekend to pack the rest of his crap and put it into the garage until he finds a permanent place to live. So, I’ll only have to see him maybe two more times.

Thank God.

I keep reminding myself that he’s not a decent man. He’s a liar, a cheater, a coward. He’s hurt me so many times. He’s made me cry. I’ve already cried once this morning because of my dog Maya, she’s able to communicate her feelings just by looking at me.

There’s jack shit that anybody can do for me right now. People have their own lives to contend with, so I don’t like to bother anyone.

I did find out that he stopped loving me and wanting to be with me because I got sick. The truth of that hit me right in the gut.

It isn’t my fault that I got sick and he couldn’t deal with it. I know that. It’s his flaw, not mine. If the tables were turned, I would have been there for him.

I guess each day that goes by will make things easier. I hate being in this house, but it’s where I need to be for now. Once my daughter is on her own, my plans are to sell the condo and move out west, far away from Ohio.

In the meantime, I have no idea how to mend myself. It seems to me that life is just one neverending trauma after another and we really don’t have anything stable to cling to.

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