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Knocked Over By A Feather

But It Didn't Keep Me Down…

Category

satire

Mer and Alice are Assholes

assholes


Mer: Hey Alice, guess what?

Alice: What Merry, aka Merbear?

Mer: I’m an asshole!

Alice: Omg, you won’t believe it but – they diagnosed me with that too! It explains so much!

Mer: Wait, you’re also an asshole? Where’s your documentation?

Alice: Well I don’t have it YET, but I looked on Web MD and I have all the symptoms.

Mer: I always trust Web MD as a diagnostic tool. I ate the last two cookies so I wouldn’t have to share with my kid. Selfishness is a major symptom of being an asshole.

Alice: I hide my treats on the very top shelf where they can’t see it. Also I get up really early to beat them to the last donut.

Mer: Well shit, you really are a fellow asshole. Should we celebrate this by tripping someone?

Alice: Yes, let’s head to the retirement home.

Mer: I also defy my doctor’s advice. I eat bacon, vast fucking amounts of cheese and occasionally, lard.

Alice: Straight from the can?

Mer: Yes, it’s the fastest way to raise my cholesterol. I just shrug, like, I have no idea doc! I just tell him that my body is an asshole.

Alice: Mine too. Like when I covered those chocolate chip pancakes with syrup and whipped cream, and more chocolate chips, my body wanted to eject it all onto the table. That’s what waiters are for, after all.

Mer: Yes and to bring us Moons Over My Hammy. If you wink and show some cleavage to a male waiter, sometimes you’ll get an extra slice of ham.

Alice: I did that over and over and all I got was a restraining order!

Mer: Hey, have you ever done a drive-by screaming at someone on a street corner? Such an adrenaline rush. “Get a car, loser!!!” And then, they jump 5 feet into the air and start to cry.

Extra points if it’s raining and you hit a puddle. (Based on a true story, you guys.)

Alice: Such entertainment! Much better than simply faking them out with the car – will I run you over or won’t I? Over too fast. Speaking of cars, you really must drive a Porsche with personalized license plates saying “The King” or something classy.

Mer: I totally agree. I’m better than everyone. My shit doesn’t even stink, man. Is that blueberry muffins I smell? No, that’s just Mer’s natural essence.

I’m the me in monogamy.

Alice: Well, I don’t even have to shit, cause I’m a model, you know what I mean?

Mer: How do you purge yourself of waste, Christie Brinkley?

Alice: It just turns into tiny butterflies and flies out my vajayjay.

Mer: My hair is always perfect. I never have a bad hair day and my breath smells like sunshine.

I always knew you were an uptown girl.

Alice: I am. But I’m getting so tired of my high-class toys.

Mer: They do get boring after a while, like I don’t ever use my bluetooth anymore. I just talk loudly into my phone, in public.

Alice: That’s so five seconds ago! Now everyone uses tiny electrodes surgically implanted in their ears that broadcast every thought directly onto Twitter.

Mer: Twitter is the biggest asshole of all times favorite social media outlet. I prefer Pinterest, I found the greatest recipe for a cheesecake that I’m planning to eat all by myself, in the bathtub.

Alice: It so is! But I still like to broadcast to my adoring fans in public too. Like all about my last plastic surgery!

Mer: Tsk. Didn’t I tell you that your breasts are perfect? Seriously, get a nose job instead.

You wanna go skip some stones and accidentally miss on purpose, oops!

Alice: We can’t help it, we’re assholes.

Oh, I’m sorry, someone more important called, so gotta hang up on you!

Mer: And I’m going to post 20 photos of my dog on Facebook.


If you haven’t already, please check out Alice’s blog. Thank you!

Alice at Wonderland

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Unskinny Bop

According to my research, “Unskinny Bop” has a few different meanings.

C.C. Deville shagged a hooker and came up with it. (And a scathing case of the herpes.)

Or it could simply mean having recreational sex with no strings attached.

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But my favorite definition genitals down is having sexual relations with a woman who has some meat on her bones.

So technically, each time my husband and I are intimate, he could rightfully say, “Unskinny Bop!”

Yeah, I’ll bop you alright.

Bret Michaels air humped 15 1/2 times during the course of this music video. Items he humped include his microphone stand, neon green hotties, and possibly C.C. Deville.

You be the judge.

He learned the fine art of air humping from Glenn Quagmire, my sources tell me.

 

“Unskinny Bop” by Poison

What’s got you so jumpy?
Why can’t you sit still, yeah?
Like gasoline you want to pump me
And leave me when you get your fill, yeah
Every time I touch you honey you get hot
I want to make love you never stop
Come up for air you push me to the floor
What’s been going on in that head of yours

[Chorus]
Unskinny bop
Just blows me away
Unskinny bop, bop
All night and day
Unskinny bop, bop, bop, bop
She just loves to play
Unskinny bop nothin’ more to say

You look at me so funny
Love bite got you acting oh so strange
You got too many bees in your honey
Am I just another word in your page, yeah, yeah
Every time I touch you honey you get hot
I want to make love you never stop
Come up for air you push me to the floor
What’s been going on in that head of yours

[Chorus]

You’re sayin’ my love won’t do ya
But that ain’t love written on your face
Well honey I can see right through ya
We’ll see whose ridin’ who at the end of the race

What’s right
What’s wrong
What’s left
What the hell is going on

[Chorus]

Retro Ads #5: Tipalet Cigarettes

(I wrote this close to a year ago.)

The History

The Muriel Cigar company began in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century when the brand was manufactured by P. Lorillard and Company, located in Jersey City, New Jersey

The brand Muriel cigars was acquired by a company called Consolidated Cigars in 1959, who were the ones responsible for launching an aggressive marketing campaign that popularized the brand beyond everyone’s imagination.

This included producing flavored “cigarettes.” 

I know I personally crave fruit when I have a smoke.

 The Ad

From 1970

Meet Roger and Ellen

Ellen loves a fruity tip. 

Ever since Rog starting smoking Blueberry Tipalet’s, his sex life has been crazy wild.

Ellen wets her panties every time he blows a smoke ring in her direction, causing her to ignore the fact that he is a rude douchebag. 

I mean, he must really like her if he blows tangy cherry scented carcinogens in her general direction.

That shit is sexy. 

Oh, Roger knows what she likes. A puff here, and a blow there. Here a puff, there a blow, everywhere a blow puff. 

Roger: I love you so much, I don’t even inhale anymore! I save it all for you, baby girl!

Ellen: Oh Roger, burgundy grape makes my eyes burn for you!

Roger: I love when I make you cry.

Ellen: There isn’t an ocean too deep, a mountain so high it can keep me away! Away from your loins!

Why it’s funny

Being a smoker myself, the idea of blowing smoke into another persons face, even Vitamin C fortified, is just wrong.

As much as I love the smell of fruit, the chances of letting a guy do that to me is fucking zero. This ad shows yet again how woman have been portrayed, as being stupid little tramps who got hot by having a man treat them like shit. I can tell you for certain that my mother, for example, would have taken a frying pan to any man who had the nerve to try and sex her up by exhaling his used smokey vapor upon her upturned face.

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