My husband and I share a car, a 2004 Chevy Impala. We purchased it back in May with the money that I had saved up since quitting smoking back in January.
We had thought at the time that it was in impeccable shape for the $900.00 that we paid for it. It started right up and felt “safe” to drive. It didn’t make any weird sounds or anything. All good signs. We’ve had nothing but shitty luck with automobiles for years now, so cool beans.
Well, we just had to cough up about $650 to get a few important things fixed on the Impala, like the brake lines (done by a real mechanic) and the entire back brakes, with pads, rotors and calipers, done by my husband’s friend who also happens to be my weed guy.
My daughter was gone from 11am until almost 2am this morning. Her “so you don’t drive your mother insane” curfew is 1am, but I gave her an extra extension because she was going down to Akron with her new friendboy. (Not official yet, more on this topic later.)
So yeah, I was alone all day yesterday, which shouldn’t have really bothered me so much, only it really did. I spent much of my time fighting back a panic attack, because the same thought kept running through my head.
“You’re all alone, trapped inside these four walls. Trapped! Hermit Lady! You suck.”
I dug deep into my bag of DBT tricks, classics like distraction, opposite action, being mindful…and one that I made up myself…telling my brain to go fuck itself.
Kindly go fuck yourself, stupid hypervigilant brain.
My gigantic 75 pound American Bulldog named Maya helps me feel less alone. She’s the best nap partner, which we take most days, even if just for a short horizontal life pause.
I’ve had many dogs in my life over the years, but she’s special.
Yeah, I know, everybody says that about their pets, like, I have the most special hamster, he does the Chicken Dance for a piece of corn.
Seriously, she loves to cuddle. She’s into the spooning thing and what kind of dog lover would I be to disappoint her?
Bring it in, girl.
We watched Family Guy Season 13 on Netflix. She cuddled on the couch with me.
What? It’s cute.
So the brake job yesterday took my husband and his buddy almost 12 hours in total. He only charged us $50, otherwise there was no way that we would have put more than what we had paid for it um… back into it?
It reads funny to me, but I’m just going to leave it alone.
I suppose we would have had to start using Uber. I don’t know, I’m fucking old. Bring me a prune, get off my lawn.
You’d be surprised how often I have a streak of a week (or more) of not leaving my house. On Saturday mornings I see my therapist. I force myself to go even if I feel like cancelling, but she’s been taking frequent vacations lately. So, I missed her again yesterday, now two weeks in a row, which sucked.
It’s really so much more than just a therapist appointment, it’s like a snippet of freedom once a week. And if I’m feeling froggy, I’ll even stop at the big store or the little store, dependent upon many variables that I am too lazy to list.
My only IRL friend that I have left is Cheryl, but she also has fibro, so lately our weekly lunch/movie outing has been becoming more sporadic.
I might be having a great day, but then she might feel like chipped shit on toast. Or then, she’s feeling decent-ish and I want to go bury my head in my pillow all day long. Or usually, we both feel just bloody awful on the same day, because fibro is of the devil.
Yep. You’re not seeing things. I have one friend that I can actually hang out with. They’ve either all moved away or stopped asking me to do stuff. People forget about you sometimes and that sucks, but it’s just the circle of life.
I had my own car for an extremely short time back in 2014 and I rarely drove it. If I was careful with finances for a few months, I could buy my own piece of shit car, but would the cost, upkeep and insurance be worth it if I barely drove the damn thing?
Now that I can drive our car and stop its momentum, I had planned on getting out of here for a bit today, but guess what?
I don’t feel up to it, plus there’s a cold front coming in again.