I feel as though one of my main obstacles right now is finding a way to forgive myself for staying with someone for so long that I knew deep down was a bad egg.
Calling him an egg is a much too kind example, perhaps I should go with the word asshat.
A fucking bad asshat. There, that sounds better.
I lied to myself, made excuses for his anti-social behavior, ignored the truth that he’s a sociopath with a dash of sexual deviant thrown in for good measure. I called him that back in July when all of this asshattery finally came to light. After that woman sent me his ad, a snippet of their conversation and his dick pics. He got really angry, so I must have struck a nerve.
The more that I think back over our years together, the more I realize that he’s probably always been messing around on me behind my back.
But I always let it go, blindly trusting every excuse he had up his sneaky sleeve.
My therapist wants me to write a list this week of all of the bad shit that he’s ever done to me. (This list has been continuing to grow since yesterday afternoon.)
He’s been an awful role model for my daughter, which breaks my heart because I always thought that deep down, somewhere, he did love her.
Well, I thought that he truly loved me as well.
As it turns out, he doesn’t know the concept of what love is. I thought that I could teach him, poor guy, his parents never showed him any affection. He was originally like a project of mine, as though I could wave my empathy wand over him and poof, he’d turn into the man who I wanted to desperately believe was hiding inside.
It’s a tough pill to swallow for me. I’ve now had two failed relationships that cover my entire adult life thus far.
I sure know how to pick em, eh?
My therapist said the following to me yesterday:
“From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry that this has happened to you, Mer. I’d shoot him for you, but I’d go to jail. He’ll stay miserable for the rest of his life because he’ll never admit that he has any issues. But you’ll thrive. You’re a beautiful hot mess right now and it’s okay.”
Every emotion that I’m currently dealing with is perfectly normal for such a massive life event.
If I’m being honest with myself and you guys, it has been years and years of his constant betrayals, heavily shrouded by his clever subterfuge.
He’s let me down so many times…so fucking many times.
It’s time for me to take charge of my own life, to figure out who I really am. Each day that passes, each tear that I shed, every memory that hits me in the gut…this is the painful path that I must walk in order to find my self-respect and independence again that I’ve allowed myself to misplace.
I told my daughter last night that maybe I’m not cut out to be in a relationship.
“No, mom. You deserve someone who really loves you and I think that you’ll find him someday.”
“You too, kiddo. But I hope that my experiences have taught you what to run away fucking screaming from.”
She smiled slightly, nodded and then went back to watching tv, finally at ease in her own home.
I took a deep breath and pulled my bathrobe tighter around myself.
(Again, thank you all for being here, for reading, commenting and supporting me.)