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Knocked Over By A Feather

IT WAS A BIG FUCKING FEATHER…

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taboo topics

Taboo Topics Revisited: Porn

A few of you may recall that during my first year of blogging, I did a series of posts that I called “Taboo Topics.” I wrote about everything taboo, from cannibalism to swearing.

I want to revisit some of them, so please don’t be shocked or unfollow me if I discuss something that might make you uncomfortable. 


 

My therapist is extremely blunt.

“Do you watch porn?” she asked me a short while ago.

“Um…yes. I do.”

“That’s good. And do you masturbate while watching it?”

I could feel my cheeks starting to flush.

“Yeah,” I replied, giggling slightly.

“You’re beet red, Mer!” she responded, laughing with me.

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“I’ve always blushed easily,” I explained. “I was told by a nun that masturbating was a mortal sin and if I did it, I’d go to hell.”

“Do you still believe that?”

I shook my head. “Trust me, I’ve done far worse things since I was in the 8th grade.”

This conversation did have a point of origin, a valid reason behind it. She wasn’t being creepily random.

I can talk about anything with her. Of all of the therapists that I’ve seen since the age of 8, J is hands down the best one that I’ve ever had. I am 100% comfortable with her and I trust her completely with my darkest thoughts. She’s one of the reasons why my depression is finally in remission.

To be blunt myself, I’m an incredibly sexual person deep down in my psyche, but that got covered over by my mental illnesses these last few years. It rarely, if ever, crossed my mind. Yet now that I am feeling more like myself again, my sex drive has come back in full force.

How can I put this without seeming like a complete bitch?

My husband isn’t on the same page. He’s not even on the same chapter.

I told J all of this, so that’s why she brought up the porn and masturbation thing.

“It’ll help you to take the edge off,” she promised me. “I’ve been there myself.”

“It does somewhat,” I agreed with her. Then I sighed loudly, because I enjoy sighing at a high volume.

I’ve done some sketchy shit in my day, but I don’t consider watching a porno and taking care of my business (once a week average lately) sketchy at all.

I know, too much information, right?

Well, be thankful that I don’t go into detail. (I really work hard on keeping things somewhat classy around here.)

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Indeed.

I had a friend who claimed that she never, ever, you know what. I called bullshit on her.

“You’re a fucking liar!”

Nope, I swear it, she retorted, wrinkling her nose at me in disgust.

I had no other recourse but to believe her. A part of me felt somewhat bad for her, that she wasn’t comfortable enough with her body to do some exploring.

I won’t ask you guys about your masturbation habits, because it’s really none of my damn business. It’s my choice to reveal (once again) my feelings on this exceptionally taboo topic today.

But, as usual, I am open to any thoughts that you may like to share.

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Taboo Topics: Virginity

I woke up last night to use the bathroom and heard my daughter in her room, talking to one of her friends on the phone. It was maybe 3 am.

“But he said he asked about me on Sunday, so that must mean something, right?”

She works with a bunch of guys at a gourmet burger place. There are a few girls, but they need more boys on the grill than they do females at the registrar. She’s usually surrounded by at least 4 fellas.

Every time I turn around, she talking about one of them. I can’t get their names straight in my head. I know that she has crushes on them, yet they only seem interested in her as a friend.

“That’s because I don’t give them what they want,” she told me the other day.

“Yes, they wanted the same thing back when I was your age,” I answered. “Maybe I should buy you a chastity ring?”

“I won’t wear it.”

She clearly doesn’t always understand sarcasm when she hears it. You’re not born with the ability, you have to work at it.

I know that deep down she wants a boyfriend, but it never works out for her. I feel bad, but there is nothing that I can do. I am proud of her for holding her own out there, though. The sexual pressure must be even worse now than it was 20 years ago, what with the yoga pants and the twerking.

I made it to the age of 19. It was short, not sweet and just awful. I hate to even think about it. Some things are better to block from your memory. Alcohol helps with this.

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In fact, I have many things to block from my memory. Looks like a tequila night for me.

I hate to even think about my daughter having sexual relations with someone, the thought makes my eyes twitch and gives me hives. But I know that it will happen someday. I can only hope that she continues to wait until it feels right and that she isn’t pressured into something like I was.

Taboo Topics: Pubic Hair

To shave, or not to shave….that is the question.

I haven’t done a taboo topic in a long time, mostly because I think I covered them all. But this morning, while I was chatting with my friend Cheryl, the topic of our exes came up. Somehow, we started to discuss (okay, I started it cause I am a sicko) the overabundance of pubic hair.

Before I lost the nerve to write about it, I decided to just go for it. Shit has been sorta boring around here lately. Like, where has my edge gone, my coolness? We have to talk about these things, because they matter, damn it.

My ex did not believe in manscaping his manly bits. Nope. It was so bad that I actually needed a sling blade to whack my way inward. I can’t remember how many times I had to stop mid fellatio to pull a long and curly out of my mouth.

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It was truly disgusting, I have to say. Very Sasquatchesque.

I wanted to remind him that he wasn’t in a 70’s porno movie, but it wouldn’t have mattered. He was attached to his pubes. Maybe he thought that they gave him strength and extra power to be a complete douche. I can only make an educated guess, of course.

I suppose it’s only hair fair for me to discuss the state of my own pubic hair.

Jinx. No way, as if.

The main reason why we even have pubic hair to begin with doesn’t make all that much sense to me. I guess it was protection from the elements back in the day.

But now that we have thermal underwear, why not have some fun down south?

I recommend a kangaroo or an antelope.

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